Free iBT independent writing task submission

**Jason** · Last edited by on Fri Jan 04, 2008 8:11 pm; edited 2 times in total

Please post your writing responses for the free online iBT independent task here. You do not need to log in or register to post your writing, simply click on POSTREPLY. Please allow at least a couple of days for an OnlinEnglish.net Administrator to view and respond to your task. Responses will be limited to a score and some generic comments targeting the areas you could improve in.

Good luck!

_________________
Jason Renshaw
Managing Director: www.onlinEnglish.net
Published textbook author with Pearson Longman
http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html

**Jason** · Subject: Score/Feedback for Balu Rat Wed Oct 03, 2007 10:06 pm

Balu Rat wrote:

People should sometimes do things that they do not enjoy doing - I strongly disagree with the statement mentioned.

First thing which strikes my mind is that when people are forced to do things when they actually don't like, will lead to results that will not reflect their own talent.There are many factors which will come into exsistence when you start the work and enjoy doing it like - Interest , Attitude will be high , Concentration level will be high , Limits will be reduced where you will interested to explore things about the product or the work which you are doing and obviously hard work will be there.

But when you are not interested and when you are forced to do that the above mentioned things will act oppositively and there-by the result which you will get will failure one or a prolonged work. Here main part is that time will not be effectively utilized and you will work only with a thought of doing your duty. This will actually won't stay for long time and gradually the performance of your work will reduce.

Inventions and discoveries which had happenned in the past shows that the people had actually loved their work and they had produced the results which we are having it as an History. If we want to make an "History" do what you like the most and invest everything on that work - you will get faster results which no one would have expected it.

Hi there Balu, and thanks for sending in your essay.
Score range = 2 - 2.5

Key areas for improvement:

1) Make sure each body paragraph has a clear main idea to be argued, with a clear topic sentence. What you have written as two body paragraphs seems more like one paragraph split in two. You have tried to provide some details, but there are no engaging or attention-catching examples of any substance. The effect is that you sound vague and not completely sure of your own argument outside having a strong opinion. You really need to support your ideas strongly and clearly.

2) Create a more engaging introduction, with a broader introduction to the topic and a little more elaboration for your thesis statement. Don't just repeat the essentials in the question topic - re-word it to show you understand it in a practical way.

3) Watch your basic punctuation - there are big spaces on both sides of your commas, and you've capitalized a fair few words in your text when they shouldn't be.

4) Your conclusion was kind of interesting and good, but didn't return to your central thesis strongly enough.

Best of luck with your iBT essay writing!

_________________
Jason Renshaw
Managing Director: www.onlinEnglish.net
Published textbook author with Pearson Longman
http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html

**Yannick** · Subject: Score/Feedback for Mona Thu Oct 04, 2007 3:22 pm

mona wrote:

In various life situations, people can undergo sometimes in doing things they may not enjoy.There is plenty of reasons why peolpe take this behaviour from time to time. I will state my opinion in the following paragraphs.
In the education, we may sometimes take required classes in order to get specific , scores which in turn make you qualified for certain job opportunies. We agree to take these classes although we do not enjoy their studying. We take it for a better future.

In our work, we may perform certain tasks in order o please our manager or to get a promotion. In my job, i hate alot dealing with data entry on the computers.It is realy hurt my eyes so much, but i do it only to obey the manager instruction.But if i given the choice i will not never do it.

Also we often do things just to please our parents or to help them, such as when i go to the greocery store which i find it boring . I want my parents to be satisfied with me.

What i want to say here is, in many occasions yo can find yourself doing certain things that you do not enjoy so as you gain benefits such as getting higher grades to build a successful career , get a career promotion or to satisfy tour family.

thank you soo much for your evaluation
my email is monalakany@yahoo.com

Hello Mona. Thank you for submitting your essay.
Score range= 2.5 ~ 3

Key areas for improvement
1)You need to clarify your introduction. You should ensure that the task and your position are both cleared stated in the introduction. (As you did in your conclusion.) I always push my learners to use the ‘tornado’ introduction. Start with a big statement related to the topic. Continue with a couple of more specific sentences related to the topic. Then restate the question, and finally state your position. Never ask the reader/assessor to guess or infer what you are saying.

2)Develop your paragraphs. Try to have a topic sentence, supporting details and a developed supporting example. For instance, looking look at your third body paragraph, it reads like one big sentence. It should have had more substance.

3)Re-read your essay in order to eliminate the most mistakes possible. In your 2nd body paragraph you misspell ‘to’, you constantly forget to capitalize ‘I’, you misspell ‘alot’, and ‘realy’ and you forget your possessive ‘s’ for manager. These are mistakes that could have been avoided with a quick re-read and these are mistakes that really hit the assessor.

4)Your conclusion does a good job at summarizing your main points. It would have benefited by having a closing statement. An idea that reinforces everything that has been said.

All the best with your IBT TOEFL essay writing.

**Yannick** · Subject: Score / Feedback on wwera's essay Fri Oct 05, 2007 5:40 am

wwera wrote:

I strongly agree with this statement that people should sometimes do things that do not enjoy doing. This issue is a very important one and I agree with this for several important reasons.
First, we see that life is not always move smoothly. There are many circumstances came in person's life. Sometimes they could be good and sometimes they could be bad. In bad conditions man has to take some important decisions. I saw in my relatives that one of my cousins never wanted to do a minor job. He always trying to get great jobs and by doing this he passed his many important years of life. After some time his father died in an accident and now he have to take his responsibility and now there is no good or minor job for him.

Second, sometimes people do those things that do not enjoy doing because they do those things in love of their loved ones. For instance a man, who loved his wife too much and she is so keen to attend concerts and man had never liked concerts. His wife's favorite singers arranges his concert in that city where they live then man would attend that concert just for his wife happiness

Third, sometimes responsibilities and obligations are play important role to doing some activities that people do not enjoying. I, myself, have no interest of driving but I think in future it would be necessary for me to learn driving. Some times life is very challenging in certain circumstances. When people have no choice but to do some things which they do not like

Thus, I would say that there are different circumstances which force man to do that things that they do not enjoying doing.

Hello wwera. Thank you for posting your iBT Independent writing task.
Score/range = 2 ~ 2.5

Key areas for improvement:

1)The role of the introduction is to pull in the reader. Think of your introduction as the element that sells your writing. If it lacks interest or enthusiasm, the reader will not be inclined to read further than the introduction. You need to work on making your introductions more appealing to the reader.

2)The reader needs to see a direct link between your example, your supporting details, your topic sentence and your main idea. When looking at body paragraphs 1 and 3, I have difficulty seeing how everything links. You state that people should sometimes do things that they do not enjoy, but your examples do not demonstrate that idea and your topic sentence in body paragraph 3 does not relate very well with your example.

3)Your conclusion does well in summing up your point of view. Try adding a final comment or thought which illustrates your thinking.

4)Be aware of your verb tenses. You should always look back on your paragraphs to ensure that your verbs are well conjugated. Review your writing to see how you could have fixed your verbs. Hint: when writing about something that happened in the past all the verbs relating to that situation should be in the past.

Best of luck with your iBT TOEFL test.

**Yannick** · Subject: Score / Feedback for Jen Sat Oct 06, 2007 3:07 am

jen wrote:

We as human engage in lot of activites.Many would like to do things they usally do or that interest them the most for enjoyment.
I suggest doing things thats not in our liking is a must.There are lots of reasons for suggesting so.When a person engages in something different or something never experienced there is always growth taking place.New innovations come u.People start to explore more out of there limited thinking capacity.They are able to compare new ideas or events.They experience a change and widen thee prospectives.Without doing something thats ot enjoyable they will never understand what is enjoyable and what the differencebetween the two.

Humans beings evole with changes and adapt to the changes.I prefer to play sports that i dont find intresting like tennise,this has provided me with new thoughts all together like it impoved my knowlede about the game,impover my concentration,endurance and speed with accuracy.If on the other havd i felf it was not the kind of game i liked to engage then surely i would have not know these benefits.

I suggest that involving and engageing in new ventures be it enjoyable or unpeasent teaches that there is lots more in life and learning has no limits.It all in how we preceive and in what sprit we take up challenges .

Hello Jen. Thanks for submitting your independent iBT TOEFL essay.
You score / range = 2 ~ 2.5

Key areas for improvement

1) Your introduction starts off well, but it ends prematurely. The reader does not know what the topic is, nor does the reader know what your position on the topic is. Those two elements appear in your first body paragraph.

2) All the elements appearing in a paragraph need to be linked. Your first body paragraph talks about personal growth, but finishes by focusing on things that are enjoyable and being able to compare things. The role of a concluding sentence is to either summarize what has been said or to bring on the next idea.

3) You must review your work before submitting it. There are many instances in which the spacing is inaccurate or nonexistent (thats, differencebetween, dont). You need to leave a space between a punctuation mark and the word that follows. In addition, there are many spelling mistakes which could have been avoided (usally, intresting, unpeasent, i, ot, sprit). Simply by taking into account the numerous problems with grammar and spelling, an assessor would grade you a 3.

4) I really like your conclusion, it does a good job at rounding up your essay and has a good final thought.