Free iBT integrated writing task submission

**Dean** · Admin Posts: 14 Join date: 2007-10-02

san wrote:

In the lecture, the speaker made several points about the evidences reagrding the Mystery of Mary Celeste. The speaker argues the ship could have abandoned due to possible fear of fire. However, the reading contends that the ship could have been abandoned due to murder of captain or due to other ship crew members who might have killed people in this ship for valuables. Due to the points made in the lecture, it casts a doubt on the reading.

First point used to cast doubt on the reading is that, the captain was very experienced and used to take good care of his crew and there is no evidence for crew to have killed the captain.This contradicts the first point made in the reading that crew members could have killed catain, due to which they would have abandones the ship.

Another point made by the lecture is that, the captain never has a history of transporting alcohol and leak of alcohol would have caused fear of fire and not damage ship.

Based on the above poits made in the lecture, the theories presented in the reading are in doubt.

Hello San and thank you for submitting your essay.

Your score on this essay would be 2-2.5.

Your introduction is full of information that can be moved to the body of the essay. Furthermore you need to match information from the lecture to information from the reading in all your body paragraphs.

Suggestions for improvment

1. Your introduction should only mention how the reading and the lecture are related. Try not to go into too much detail supporting the relationship between the lecture and the reading. Save those details for the body paragraphs of your essay.

2. Your second body paragraph does not clearly mention the portion of the reading that is being contested. You need to do so or the paragraph is incomplete and you lose points.

3. You make a few typing errors and grammar errors. Evidence is a non-count noun so you should not write evidences. In addition you wrote, the ship could have abandoned, where it should be the ship could have been abandoned. Typing errors such as poits and catain are not acceptable. Be certain to go back through your essay and try to edit your writing.

Take care and good luck

**Dean** · Admin Posts: 14 Join date: 2007-10-02

Osan wrote:

There were many theories regarding the Mary Celeste ship. In the reading part the writer implies that it was some kind of revolution on the ship. The crew drinked some of the alcohol that was on the ship and then killed the captain and his family, throw them into the sea and abandoned the ship. Then they were coming to the shore and claimed that they discovered the ship in order to take the reward.At the end it is mentioned about a captain who was in a trail related to the Mary Celeste Mistery.
In the listening part the man is saying that the article is not concludent, and he is proposing another theory.It was the first time when the captain transported alchool and he was very afraid of burning the ship. So he beleived that the ship was going to explode because of the alchohol. There were leakings of alchool, and that explains the empty bottles. This is the main reason that make the captain abandone the ship.
In the end I am taking the side of the man who was speaking, because his story is more logical and he gave me real reasons.

Hello Osan and thank-you for writing an integrated essay.

You score for this essay would be 1-2.

Your essay does not meet the requirements of the task which are to indicate how the lecture and the reading are related and then to explain that relationship using points from the lecture and the reading.

Suggestions for improvement

1. Write an introduction for the essay where you demonstrate the relationship between the reading and the lecture. In this case the lecture casts doubt on the reading.

2. Organize your body paragraphs. Each body paragraph should contain a point from the reading and a pointing from the listening, with emphasis on information from the listening. Then indicate how the two points are related and support the overall relationship mentioned in the introduction.

3. You have trouble maintaining the correct verb tense and are not familiar with some common irregular verbs. When you make a list of events that occur in sequence be certain to maintain the same verb tense. In addition drinked is not the past form of drink. Drank is the past form of drink.

You put in a good effort and can make some simple adjustments to the format of your essay to easily improve your score.

Good luck with your writing!

**Yannick** · Subject: Score / Feedback for Natasha Sun Oct 14, 2007 3:03 am

Natasha wrote:

There are several versions explaining the mystery of Mary Celeste. Some of them concentrate on the possibility of mutiny or piracy on the ship whereas the other ones deny them giving a different idea and reasons that support it. The explanations why violence didn't take place then are presumed to be more sensible.
First, the theory about murders and robbery on the ship can be contradicted by the following facts. Captain Benjamin Briggs was considered to be highly respected by the members of the crew, therefore they wouldn't dare to kill him. Another proof is that the sailors didn't take anything from the ship, they even left some of their personl belongings there. Moreover, the captain of the ship that found Mary Celeste was a good friend of Benjamin Briggs.
Second, there is another more sound explanation to this case. It is beleived that the people on that ship decided to abandon it as they thought that it might explode because of the fumes of alcohol leaking from the barrels. Therefore, they opened all hatches and portholes. first. Afterwards they left it immediately. They probably took lifeboats and later were drawn because of storm or died of starving or thirsting.
In conclusion, damage or violence doesn't seem to have happened on Mary Celeste. There are the facts proving the weakness of this theory and also, another version is more reasonable.

Hello Natasha. Thank you for submitting your independent TOEFL essay.
Your score/range = 2 ~ 2.5

Key areas for improvement

1) Demonstrate integration. Show where your information comes from by stating that information ‘X’ comes from the reading and that information ‘Y’ is taken from the lecture. In addition, mention if the information you are introducing contradicts or supports each other.

2) You need to work on your note taking. I have written about this before in other posts, if you wish to look through. I am mentioning this fact because the information you presented in your 1st body paragraph is erroneous.

3) You need to develop all the points that you present in your introduction. You indicate that there are at least 4 (mutiny, piracy, and other ones) different theories to the disappearance of the Mary Celeste, which indicates that you should have 2 or 4 body paragraphs supporting your claims. That said, in this essay I would have had 3 body paragraphs (mutiny, piracy, and alcohol).

_________________
All the best on your test.

Yannick O'Neill
Managing Director: www.onlinenglish.net

**Yannick** · Subject: Score / Feedback for Paul Tue Oct 16, 2007 8:12 am

paul wrote:

The lecturer completely refutes the reasons behind the mystery of the ghost ship Mary Celeste. He argues that mutiny and piracy are not valid reasons for the disappearance of the crewmembers.

According to the lecture, mutiny by the crewmembers to their captain, Benjamin Briggs is not reasonable. Briggs was experienced, respected and well liked by his crewmembers. This contrasts the statement in the passage that the crewmembers loathed their captain. Under the influence of alcohol, they killed the captain and his family, and threw them overboard. The crew members then left the ship using a lifeboat. The character portrayed by the captain makes mutiny not a convincing reason.

Piracy was also less likely to be possible. According to the reading passage, the people who discovered the ship were believed to be pirates who took valuable things and killed the crewmembers to eliminate all evidences. They even got a reward from finding the lost ship. However, the lecturer stated that piracy was not valid because evidence from the ship proved that personal belongings were left behind. Moreover, the person who discovered the ship was a friend of Briggs, and a captain of a ship himself. More importantly, the court was not able to present any concrete evidence linking him and his people to such crime.

On the other hand, the lecturer offers an alternative reason. He believes that fumes coming from alcohol forced the members to abandon ship. The nine empty alcohol barrels might have started the fumes. Unfortunately, Briggs had no previous experience of transporting alcohol, and he feared fire the most. When the fumes started, the crewmembers opened the portholes and hatches to release some gas. According to a German named Vight, the fumes can explode without actually causing destruction to the ship. Driven by fear, Briggs and his crew abandoned the ship using lifeboats. They probably died from starvation or drowning in the middle of the sea.

Hi Paul. Thank you for submitting your effort on the integrated iBT TOEFL essay.
Your score/range = 3.5 ~ 4

This is a very good effort Paul. You did a good job at indicating how to 2 sources (reading passage and lecture) correlated, and you presented the inforamtion in a logical and clear manner.

Key areas for improvement

1) Details: Remember that all the details need to have a link with your topic sentence. A minor mistake is the detail related to personal belongings not being stolen. This element should go with the idea of mutiny.

2) Your introduction does well at introducing the topic, but fails to mention the reading passage, where the ideas of mutiny and piracy appear. Mention both sources in your introduction.

Your note taking and paraphrasing skills are very strong. You were able to gather all the information regarding the theories surrounding the Mary Celeste presented in the lecture, and your were capable of presenting the information for the last theory in the order it appeared in the listening passage. Excellent work. You most likely would have scored a 4 with this effort.

_________________
All the best on your test.

Yannick O'Neill
Managing Director: www.onlinenglish.net

**Yannick** · Subject: Score/Feedback for Bubu Tue Oct 16, 2007 1:25 pm

Bubu wrote:

Known as ghost ship, Mary Celesta is still a matter of dispute among historians. After its set off from Portugal in 1872 to Italy, it has been found deserted on the sea.
One of the theories on records states that Crew must have killed the captain, Benjamin, as well as his family because of his being so strict. However, in the lecture Captain was told to be an experinced captain with good reputation and the crew hadn't showed anything suspicious before.
The other theory is that it was found by anothr ship and alll people were killed in the ship to steal valuable things from the ship. But in the lecture, it is stated that no personal belongings were allowed; morover, captain had a good friendship with the captain of the other ship.
As for a third theory, all the alcohol barrels were found full in the ship as stated in the records but in the lecture it is stated that, even told to be the most reasonable theory, there is a high poosibilty of a danger of explosion because of a possible alcohol leaking, as a German expert says, and for this reason all people in the ship must have left the ship on boats as a result of which they may have died of starvation, thirst or they may have drowned.

Hi Bubu. Thanks for submitting your integrated iBT TOEFL essay.
Your score/range = 2

Key areas for improvement
1) Paragraph Development. You need to indicate where your information comes from (either it is from the reading or the lecture), and complete your paragraph by reiterating how the points support or refute each other.

2) Note Taking. You need to work on your note taking skills. There are many methods to take notes such as mind mapping or stenographing, you need to find one that is easy for you. Note; ensure that your notes taken from the reading are accurate because not being able to restate information that is written and accessible throughout the exam is not viewed well by the reader/assessor.

3) Review. Before submitting your task review it to eliminate the most mistakes as possible. To do this you need to plan the amount of time you will spend writing. It shouldn’t take you more than 15 minutes to write out your essay. You must get rid of all elements that can create confusion in the reader/assessor.

_________________
All the best on your test.

Yannick O'Neill
Managing Director: www.onlinenglish.net