Answer Submission for Part 2 / Question 6

**Jason** · Last edited by on Wed Oct 17, 2007 1:29 am; edited 1 time in total

Please post your writing responses for the free online TOEIC writing test task (question 6) here. You do not need to log in or register to post your writing, simply click on POSTREPLY.

Please answer the writing prompt in 10 minutes or less.

Please allow at least a couple of days for an OnlinEnglish.net Administrator to view and respond to your task. Responses will be limited to a score and some generic comments targeting the areas you could improve in.

Good luck!

Guest

Question 6:
Dear sirs, thank you very much for your e-mail, i feel really honored to have received this promotion. As a team i am sure we all will move our business.

I take this opportunity to ask to please contact me with the Public Relations office in order to arrange for a meeting next February 20th, I wish to address a short speach to my staff.

Additionally, it will be very helpful if you could provide information on housing around the office area since I have just moved to the city.

Again, thank you very much for your e-mail,

kindly,
lizbeth

Guest

Dear Sir/Madam,

Hi! it's an honor being promoted and given the trust of this good company, Sim Valley Inc. thank you for giving me the opportunity to be of greater servive.

in accordance to this, i would like to ask your good office if you would refer me to a car rental agent, my car is still in the shop and this monday my staff and I will be having a meeting. there is no public transport near my place.

lastly, am i still the one who is going to present to the board on monday about the merger of the company.

again, thank you for your trust.

best regards,

Albert

**Yannick** · Subject: Score / Feedback for Imsanche Thu Oct 18, 2007 1:53 am

lmsanche wrote:

Question 6:
Dear sirs, thank you very much for your e-mail, i feel really honored to have received this promotion. As a team i am sure we all will move our business.

I take this opportunity to ask to please contact me with the Public Relations office in order to arrange for a meeting next February 20th, I wish to address a short speach to my staff.

Additionally, it will be very helpful if you could provide information on housing around the office area since I have just moved to the city.

Again, thank you very much for your e-mail,

kindly,
lizbeth

Hello Imsanche. Thank you for submitting your writing effort for Q. 6 of the TOEIC test.

Part 2 of the TOEIC test "Respond to a Written Request" is worth 8 points. The section has two tasks [question 6 and 7] with each task being allocated a maximum of 4 points. To receive perfect score your response needs to effectively address all the tasks in the prompt, using multiple sentences that clearly convey the information, be organized and have appropriate connecting words, have few grammar and spelling mistakes, and be using correct tone and register.

Your score for question 6 = 3/4

For this effort I would score you a 3 out of 4. You would lose marks on your grammar and spelling as well as the tone.

Key areas for improvement

I believe you need to work on your tone and register. What this means is that you need to work on choosing the appropriate words to convey your ideas. Let’s look at the email you received. Who wrote it? Do you believe the author to be a subordinate of yours or a higher ranked employee of Simon Valley Inc.? If you are unsure, look at sentence two “We take great pride in seeing our employees”, and sentence three “…you will continue to move forward … we will benefit from having you as the new manager …”

How can you fix your reply? Look at how you worded the second sentence “As a team … our business.”, “I take this opportunity to ask to please contact me …”. For instance, I would reword the second sentence such as “As part of the team …”.

Watch the presentation of your emails and letters. When writing a formal correspondence you need to start with a salutation with a period [To Simon Valley Inc.] Then leave a space and start writing your correspondence.

_________________
All the best on your test.

Yannick O'Neill
Managing Director: www.onlinenglish.net

**Yannick** · Subject: Score/Feedback for Yay Thu Oct 18, 2007 1:55 am

Yay wrote:

Dear Sir/Madam,

Hi! it's an honor being promoted and given the trust of this good company, Sim Valley Inc. thank you for giving me the opportunity to be of greater servive.

in accordance to this, i would like to ask your good office if you would refer me to a car rental agent, my car is still in the shop and this monday my staff and I will be having a meeting. there is no public transport near my place.

lastly, am i still the one who is going to present to the board on monday about the merger of the company.

again, thank you for your trust.

best regards,

Albert

Hello Yay. Thank you for submitting your writing effort for Q. 6 of the TOEIC test.

Part 2 of the TOEIC test "Respond to a Written Request" is worth 8 points. The section has two tasks [question 6 and 7] with each task being allocated a maximum of 4 points. To receive perfect score your response needs to effectively address all the tasks in the prompt, using multiple sentences that clearly convey the information, be organized and have appropriate connecting words, have few grammar and spelling mistakes, and be using correct tone and register.

Your score for question 6 = 2/4

You put forward a good effort, but there are some elements that would need to be polished. Ensure that your questions are properly developed and that you eliminate the simplest of grammar and spelling mistakes.

Areas for improvement

For starters, explain your questions. You do not mention that you are new to the city, therefore I am stuck wondering why it is you can’t find a good rental agency. Also, you are being promoted to manager of merchandising which then makes me wonder why you would have a presentation on a merger.

Moving on, watch your grammar and spelling mistakes. Capitalization (at the beginning of sentences, days of the week, ‘I) ’and proper punctuation (question marks) are extremely important. In addition, making a mistake in the name of the company is unacceptable.[u]

_________________
All the best on your test.

Yannick O'Neill
Managing Director: www.onlinenglish.net