Writing & Speaking Forums

Share your English test preparation efforts and strategies online!
 
HomeHome  FAQFAQ  SearchSearch  RegisterRegister  MemberlistMemberlist  UsergroupsUsergroups  Log inLog in  

Share | 
 

 Free iBT independent writing task submission

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
Go to page : Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10  Next
AuthorMessage
Jason
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 63
Join date : 2007-10-01
Age : 45
Location : Changwon Korea & Melbourne Australia

PostSubject: Feedback for lee   Sun Dec 30, 2007 6:45 am

lee wrote:
I absolutely agree with the statement that human beings sometimes do things that don't make them happy of doing it. Unfortunately people still need to do these things though it is against their will, sometimes it is a part of achieving their goals in life.

In this real world we have our own purpose of doing something. this may be to attain happiness for ourselves or for other people like our love ones. However, To attain happiness is difficult to achieve and this may involve a lot of sacrifices. I will give an example for this in my case, I achieved happiness when I passed the board exam for my profession but I experienced a lot of difficulties like studying very hard though I hate to read a lot of books and review my notes I need to do it inorder for me to pass my exam, in this way I will fulfill my ambition to get a better job and eventually a brighter future. Another example of this is seen in people working abroad inorder to give their families their needs that eventually make them happy. A mother who works abroad for many years and sacrifice not to see her children growing up is undoubtedly exceptional but the price of that is inorder for her to give their needs like sending them to exclusive school for a better education.

Another reason why people needs to do things that they do not enjoy is for them to be accepted in a society where they are living. For example a teenager whose peer groups engaged in smoking, drinking liquor or using illegal drugs needs to do what his/her friends doing inorder to be accepted to the groups. Another example for this is a poor person whose friends belong to the elite society and she/he needs to pretend to be rich inorder to be accepted to the groups.

In conclusion, doing something that we may not enjoy is a challenging part of our daily life. This help us to become a stronger individual. Eventhough it involved a lot of sacrifices the most imprtant thing is we made a difference by making our love ones happy. Unfortunately, sometimes we need to compromise our own health and reputation inorder to attain our goal in life.

Hi lee and thanks for sharing your essay effort.

I think this essay would land you somewhere in the range of 3.5~4.0 out of a possible 5 points. You show a great ability to choose, organize, express and support ideas. The flow of your essay and reasoning was instantly apparent. Where you mostly lost a point or two was in language use and perhaps not expressing your idea clearly enough for the second body paragraph.

Suggestions for Improvement:

(1) Allow enough time (perhaps 5 minutes or so) to edit your writing. There are a couple of careless mistakes with punctuation, but the bigger problem is that some of your sentences are much too long. You need to break some of them down into two or even three sentences and then use linking devices (Also, In addition, In contrast to that, etc) to maintain flow and cohesion between the sentences. At the moment your sentences are too long to maintain focused attention from a reader.

(2) Try to express certain ideas more carefully. Your point about peer group pressure in the second body paragraph is certainly valid, but you express it in a rather absolutist way that makes it sound like all teens do these things and all teens need acceptance. Try terms like "some" and "in some/many cases" or "there have been many instances where" - that sort of thing. It validates your point by making it sound balanced rather than a sweeping generalization.

(3) I think you started your body paragraphs really well - with very clear topic sentences encompassing a main idea for that paragraph. See if you can summarize these main ideas towards the end of your introduction, as it then provides a sort of road map for the reader right at the start and helps to make your position look instantly rational.

You have some good potential as a writer - keep practicing! And watch those long sentences!!

Good luck,

Jason

_________________
Jason Renshaw
Managing Director: www.onlinEnglish.net
Published textbook author with Pearson Longman
http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html


Last edited by on Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:16 pm; edited 2 times in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html
Jason
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 63
Join date : 2007-10-01
Age : 45
Location : Changwon Korea & Melbourne Australia

PostSubject: Feedback for Vladimir   Sun Dec 30, 2007 7:04 am

Vladimir wrote:
The topic whether people should sometimes do things they are not much found can open a great deal of debate. There might be people who would refute the original statement. However, in my opinion this statement is more than just the true one. I'd reinforce it by adding to it that quite often people have to do things they do not enjoy doing.

The first main reason for my belief is that there are a lot of temptations in this world nowadays and if people did only what they enjoy doing I wonder whether human would make as many discoveries and achievements in science and technology as we observe today. For instance, if one of the team member that performs his tasks in an important research project decides to skeep his duties and enjoy communication with family or simply enjoy searching the news, the project might not reach its objectives. Subsiquently, if many people do only what they want there will be a lot of failures in the world.

The second reason in support to the topic's statement is that the life of every adult in the world is full with certain obligations. People might like or dislike performing them, but even those who don't like mostly do what they shall do as they feel responsible for the subject. For example the parents of the little child might not be very happy to wake up a number of times during the night because their baby cries but they would do so because they feel in charge.

My opponents can state that there is one group of people, namely the children, who indeed do only things that they enjoy with. I would agree with this argument if there were no parents. But these adults most of the time force their children to do thing that they believe children shall do, thus again proving the original statement we discuss in this passage.

In conclusion, even though there are many people in the would who would like to do only what they like to do, such as children, most of them have to do a lot of things simply due to their responsibilities, obligations or just because common sense requires it.

Hi Vladimir and thanks for posting your essay.

You are looking at a score range here of 3.5~4.0 for this essay (out of a maximum of 5.0 points). You have a clear ability to choose a position and organize ideas in support of it. Unfortunately, your essay lost points on account of not supporting each idea with enough convincing clarity, and a variety of spelling/grammar mistakes.

Suggestions for improvement:

(1) I think your first body paragraph idea is expressing the idea of temptations, but perhaps would have been better expressed as the importance for success in team-based environments. The example you chose certainly would have been a more convincing support mechanism for this sort of main idea.

(2) Your example for the second body paragraph - is being responsible and "in charge" the only reason parents would get up at night for a crying baby? As a reader, I felt this would be very much a secondary condition to the instinct to look after one's young.

(3) The final body paragraph is a little weak - it is not supported with any real life rationale or example to make it more convincing.

(4) Look back over the essay and check your spelling and grammar (especially subject-verb agreement). When essay raters see 'simple' grammar used incorrectly (even if it does not inhibit understanding much), they are more tempted to automatically mark you down a point.

Hope these ideas help. In terms of your organization and method, you have the makings of a great essay writer. With some careful attention it will be easy for you to improve on your score.

Best of luck,

Jason


Last edited by on Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:18 pm; edited 3 times in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html
Jason
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 63
Join date : 2007-10-01
Age : 45
Location : Changwon Korea & Melbourne Australia

PostSubject: Feedback for LUX   Sun Dec 30, 2007 7:18 am

LUX wrote:
I wholly agree with the claim that people sometimes should have to do things they do not enjoy.
My reasons for this are as follows:
First of all, I consider self-discipline a very important skill that helps to form a character, and carrying out unenjoyable tasks in an excellent way of training self-discipline and of getting to know personal likes and dislikes.
Secondly, I believe that people do not always know what is best for them. Sometimes unenjoyable tasks simply are necessary. For example, some people might be scared of going to the doctorís, but regular medical check-ups serve a higher purpose insofar as they can prevent illnesses and save people from much worse experiences than a simple visit at the doctorís.
Thirdly, I am convinced that some things are not enjoyable as such but are an ďacquired tasteĒ. Consequently, one should try new things in order to find out what they really are like. For example, a friend of mind could not cook and consequently hated cooking. It was only when he moved out from home and was forced to cook for himself that he got better at it and in due course also started liking it.
Also, if everybody only ever did what they liked doing, the world would be in a very chaotic state. Certain rules are needed in order for individuals to be able to live together peacefully, and sometimes rules are bound to force people to perform unenjoyable tasks.

Of course, having said all this, I do also think it is important that people like doing whatever they occupy themselves with. Sometimes self-restraint and discipline is valuable and important, but just as well sometimes what is needed most is for the inner child to be let out. Performing unenjoyable tasks every now and again is one thing, but a whole life should never be based on something that is considered personally unenjoyable.

Hi there LUX, and thank you for posting your essay for this writing task.

You are looking at a score of about 2.5~3.0 for this effort (out of a total possible score of 5.0). You do express some good ideas and you appear to have a very good command of advanced language usage. Where you are losing points here is through poor organization/presentation, not enough detail or convincing support for many of the ideas you present, and a potentially 'suicidal' conclusion that appears to refute your own position at the start of your essay.

Suggestions for Improvement:

(1) Write a more thorough introduction that:
- introduces the general topic
- states your position in response (your "thesis")
- summarizes your main reasons for feeling that way

At the moment, your introduction is a brief statement followed by the announcement of a list. You're automatically losing points right away by showing you don't know how to compose a simple introduction for a formal essay.

(2) Format your paragraphs/paragraph breaks more carefully. Either enter in a blank line between them or tab/indent in for the first sentence of each new paragraph. At present, it's very hard to see when a new paragraph is starting, and there is a risk that the reader won't spot a carefully organized set of ideas.

(3) The third body paragraph of the essay (about "acquired taste") is quite excellent. Try to express all your other main ideas with this clarity and with such a relevant example, and you'll have a powerful argument.

(4) I recommend to all TOEFL essay writers that they never try to "sit on the fence" and argue both sides of an argument in a kind of 'balanced' way. It takes a lot of writing skill to do this in a convincing way that doesn't look indecisive, and frankly with a 30 minute time limit I just don't recommend trying it. Your 'conclusion' looks like it is completely dedicated to arguing the other side of the coin now, almost as if you have changed your mind. That can be disastrous for a TOEFL essay.

You've got a lot of potential, so keep at it!

Best of luck,

Jason


Last edited by on Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:18 pm; edited 3 times in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html
Jason
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 63
Join date : 2007-10-01
Age : 45
Location : Changwon Korea & Melbourne Australia

PostSubject: Feedback for ammahmou   Sun Dec 30, 2007 10:44 am

ammahmou wrote:
I agree with the statement that people should somethimes do things that they do not enjoy do. People differe in their attitudes regarding accept to do things which may not like them. Some people believe that they should do things that they do not enjoy because people sometimes are obligated to do somethings to show respect to their employers or other persons. They also think that our life forced us to do things which we may not like them. While other people believe that people should not accept doing things which they do not like them. They think that this kind of accepting will make a kind of pressure on person.

There are many reasons why people accpet doing things which may not enjoy them. One is that people believe that in some circumstances they should do things which they do not enjoy because they have to show some respect to their employers. For illustration, if the boss ask his employee to stay and work extra time after the working hours, he should accept. If he refuse that means he does not obey his boss's order. In addtion, the employee may agree to take some assignments which he may not like them.


While other people believe that they should not do things which they do not enjoy. They think that when a person do things that he does not enjoy, this will make some kind of pressure on the person. This pressure will make people do not feel better to offer a good performancein their work. Also, they think that doing things which they do not enjoy will lead them lead to some problems in building charachteristic particularly in the youth people.


In conclusion, I agree with the previous statement that people should do things that they do not enjoy them. Many circumstances in our life force us to do and accept that to show respect and obying to some kind of people even we do not like them. In addtion, our life experience bush us to accept doing somethings which we may like it for necessary reasons such as accepting to get any job instead of staying with no income.

Hi ammahmou and thanks for participating and submitting your essay.

I believe this essay would score somewhere between 1~2 on the 5 point essay rating scale. Don't take that too much to heart - with some practice and determination you can certainly improve!

The main problems here are that your introduction and conclusion are too repetitive and vague, with language problems that make it hard for the reader to follow your ideas, and you actually appear to have argued or at least illustrated both sides of the topic rather than choosing one and specifically pursuing it.

Suggestions for Improvement:

(1) Use a tighter introduction that doesn't repeat the same ideas too much. Also be more careful with your grammar and selection of vocabulary - at times it is hard to tell exactly what you are saying.

(2) Your first body paragraph is reasonably good and quite persuasive. It certainly supports the thesis/position you announced at the start of your essay, and uses a strong example to illustrate what you mean. Unfortunately, your second body paragraph starts to talk about the other perspective in this argument. Perhaps this is because you are a 'balanced' person who likes to present all angles to an issue, but here in the iBT independent essay you are going to lose points by not writing in support of the position you have chosen in your introduction. This second body paragraph should be dedicated to another reason (with details and examples) in support of your assertion that you agree with the comment in the topic.

(3) Look to make slightly smaller introduction and conclusion and fill out your body paragraphs with more detail and examples.

(4) Make time to plan at the start and edit at the end. The quick plan at the start will help to organize your ideas coherently and stay on topic. The editing time at the end will help you to remove repetitive statements and fix some of the grammar and vocabulary problems that have emerged in your writing.

I hope those tips help you and give you something to think about. Keep trying and keep practicing. Good writing ability takes lots of hard work!

Best of luck with your test preparation.

Jason


Last edited by on Sun Dec 30, 2007 11:51 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html
Jason
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 63
Join date : 2007-10-01
Age : 45
Location : Changwon Korea & Melbourne Australia

PostSubject: Feedback for Daniel   Sun Dec 30, 2007 10:55 am

Daniel wrote:
It is usually said that people should sometimes do things that they do not enjoy doing in order to learn from those experiences.
Even though I personally recognize the value that hard experiences could have, I still belive that this way of thinking is really
old-fashioned and conservative.

Basically, the defenders of such theory claim that unpleasant situations contribute to form our character and personality,
preparing us to better face difficult situations in the future. However, i don't think we necessarily need to experience unpleasant things to know how they are and how to face them,
people can be aware of the the restrictions and the not-so-bright side of life without experiencing it directly. We should not underestimate our intelectual capacity and think that
the only way to learn we cannot pass through the walls is bouncing into them. We are far more intelligent animals than that.

Besides, if this theory cast doubts about the ways of learning different from direct experience, I should say I also have serious doubts about
the capacity of human beings not repeating the same mistakes just becasue we made it before. We cannot be sure we are not going to pass through a
hard situation again only becasue we had faced it in the past. Life is a complex process that requires complex ways of understanding.
This doesnt mean we cannot learn from unpleasant situations but I think it's not the only or more effective way of learning.

I have always thought that our education would be far more effective and useful if it was based on principles that consider the capacity of human beings
of learning in a context free from restrictions, pressures and dificult situations.

Hi Daniel - nice to read your essay submission here.

This is quite a good effort and would get you a score of about 3.5~4 on the 5 point writing score scale. You have wonderful written expression and what appear to be fresh and original perspectives. In fact, most people appear to try to agree with the topic whereas you have argued quite capably against it - which, I have to admit, is quite refreshing for a rater. Unfortunately, where you have lost a point is in not sufficiently supporting your ideas through exemplification. I think you've certainly rationalized them well, but you haven't provided concrete examples that can really convince the reader that what you're saying has real merit.

You've also suffered a little for poor formatting of the introduction and some paragraphs. That should be one cohesive paragraph there rather than two separated sentences in the introduction, and avoid hitting "enter" after commas. Only hit the enter key when you are ready to complete a paragraph - not after single sentences or after commas mid-sentence.

It would have been nice to see an overview of your two main reasons for feeling the way you do as well, which could then be explained in detail in each body paragraph.

My strongest suggestion, however, is to work on creating examples (even if you have to use hypothetical ones) to support your ideas. Off the top of my head, for your first body paragraph I think a good example could be friends sharing experiences and one friend learning from another's mistake without necessarily needing to make that mistake for him/herself. In the second body paragraph, I think an example could be made of stressful test experiences or even accidents. Having experienced them before doesn't necessarily make us better at handling them again, and in fact could make future repeat situations even more stressful than the first time around!

You do have outstanding language use, though, and that is going to help get you a positive score.

I hope those tips help, Daniel, and best of luck in your test preparation!

Jason


Last edited by on Sun Dec 30, 2007 11:52 pm; edited 2 times in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html
Jason
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 63
Join date : 2007-10-01
Age : 45
Location : Changwon Korea & Melbourne Australia

PostSubject: Feedback for martin.dl   Sun Dec 30, 2007 11:11 am

martin.dl wrote:
People are born with certain expectations from their parents and the society. Parents pressure them to obtain a quality education and get a meanigful and possibly well-paid job while the society expects them to be productive and therefore beneficial. Not everyone is optimistic towards fullfiling these demands and people often ask themselves why do they have to do things they dislike. But there are logical reasons. I agree with the statement that people should do things they do not enjoy doing because performing the disliked activity might afterwards allow them to do what they like and because there are just certain activities nobody else can do instead.
After reaching six years of age, children in western societies are generally required to begin attending school. Many of these children at this point in their life experience ambivalent feelings and as their education progresses and demands pile up a significant number of them even starts to reject participating in something they were told by others to participate in. However, although they might find the time they spend at school boring and useless, they later discover that all they learn is essential for their life. Many come to understand that in order to be able to attain a job they have always dreamed of they have to go through education process. For many of them the prospect of money becomes a powerful motivation for studying.
Furthermore, there exist certain activities people simply have to do because no one else can replace them. For example, all of us sometimes need to take out the trash or go shopping. Most people find these activities boring or even unpleasant but they just have to be done. Without doing them, we would not be able to function and our lives would be thrown into absolute chaos.
In summary, people should try to overcome negative feelings while doing a disliked activity because they are then able to enjoy their life.

Hi there martin.dl and thanks for your essay submission.

I would probably rate this essay a 3.5~4.0 on the 5 point scale. That's a bit of a pity, because with just a few minor changes in your approach this essay could be much closer to a 4.5~5.0. You have excellent language use and exhibit an advanced awareness about how to organize and compose a written response. One thing I particularly liked seeing in your essay was a summary of your main ideas at the end of the introduction, each of which led to a clear main idea for each of your body paragraphs. You also used very convincing examples.

What has let you down is that you haven't formatted your paragraphs in a way that clearly separates them (making it hard for a rater to see the different parts of your essay at a glance), your introduction is too long, and your conclusion too short.

Suggestions for Improvement:

(1) Take the time to make a quick plan or outline. It can help prevent too much of your writing going into the introduction and not into the other parts of your essay.

(2) Hit the ENTER key twice (not once) when you wish to start a new paragraph. This will put a clear blank line between each one. Alternatively, hit ENTER once and then tab or space bar in sufficiently to show you have started a new paragraph.

(3) Make some time in your approach for editing. A lot of the thoughts you put into your introduction could have been cut and pasted into the conclusion! This would have made your introduction shorter and your conclusion longer, resulting in more balance.

With a couple of small changes in your approach, you really do have the potential to get a top score in your essay.

Good luck with it!

Best,

Jason

_________________
Jason Renshaw
Managing Director: www.onlinEnglish.net
Published textbook author with Pearson Longman
http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html


Last edited by on Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:19 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html
Jason
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 63
Join date : 2007-10-01
Age : 45
Location : Changwon Korea & Melbourne Australia

PostSubject: Feedback for Cherie   Tue Jan 01, 2008 11:06 am

Cherie wrote:
In life, we cannot choose our circumstances, we only get to choose what we want to do with the circumstances. Therefore, it is imperative that whatever is thrown at us, we should be able to catch it and be able to move on to the next base. Everyday, people continue to do things that they don't enjoy like picking the garbage, cleaning the sewage, or working in a sweatshop. I am no exception to this. Henceforth, I firmly beleive that people should go out of their comfort zones, and begin doing things that they don't really enjoy.

First, my occupation as a Physical therapist is physically draining. Whenever I arrive home, I would find a lot of household chores to be done like washing the dishes, clearing out the table, washing my clothes, taking out the garbage, and feeding the dog.These are definitely not the most enjoyable things to do after a hard day's work but I still do it. I still finish my unenjoyable tasks because no one can do it and if I do not own up to it, it would just pile up and would be harder to accomplish.

Second, accepting challenges though uncertainty looms cam prove to be the most rewarding experience. Last month, I was tasked to form a retreat for a group of vocal and edgy high school students. I was not certain that I can handle it because it needs a lot of time, dedication, patience and teh right amnpower. Despite these uncertainties, I took the bait and put in a lot of time and effort.The big day came, theoretically the plan was supposed to go smoothly. Unexpectedly, a lot of delays in the schedules of the speakers, missing materials, and some particpant's behavior caused me to experience extreme anxiety. I was discouraged during the first day but by the nightfall I had a realization, that I had agreed to this and I must live up to what is called for. It was a breakthrough for me, I went out of my comfort zone; became more open, more optimistic and more assertive.

Lastly, there are some things that I don't enjoy but should be done for the sake of orderliness in the country. I hate queing up in government offices just so i could renew my passport , car registration, and driver's license. I also do not like paying my taxes each month and not be able to feel its effects on me. The list can actually go on, but as a citizen I need to comply on these to maintain the orderliness of the society.

To sum it all up , people need to get out of their comfort zones and do soemthign they don't like for the ff reasons : completion of tasks/chores, realization of one's capacity, and for the orderliness of the country.

Hi there Cherie, and thanks for submitting your essay.

Well, this was an outstanding response to the topic and I would rate it a perfect 5.0 without any hesitation. You clearly know how to write extremely well at all levels! The introduction set up the tone of your argument brilliantly and really captured the attention of your reader. The essay had excellent organization, with clear main ideas throughout the body in support of your thesis. Your examples were pragmatic and very realistic, making them very persuasive to a reader. You also exhibited extremely good use of grammar and vocabulary.

I'm curious to know if you managed to compose this within a 30 minute time limit. If so, congratulations - you're well set to score perfectly in the writing portion of the TOEFL.

The only improvement I might suggest is to take the time to edit your writing. You made a couple of bad typos (teh right amnpower = the right manpower?) and could have been a little more accurate with verb agreement in terms of tense (I was not certain that I can handle it = I was not certain that I could handle it). Those are very minor things in an essay of this caliber, however, and would not have prevented your perfect score.

Congratulations on a fine effort and good luck with your test preparation!

Jason

_________________
Jason Renshaw
Managing Director: www.onlinEnglish.net
Published textbook author with Pearson Longman
http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html


Last edited by on Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:19 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html
Jason
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 63
Join date : 2007-10-01
Age : 45
Location : Changwon Korea & Melbourne Australia

PostSubject: Feedback for Vladi   Tue Jan 01, 2008 11:13 am

Vladi wrote:
The main political force at the moment in most of the countries is democracy. Unfortunatelly some people missunderstand the word democracy, thinking is more of "do whatever you like". That's a very wrong statement. In today's world people do not always do what they enjoy doing, but thats how it's suppose to be. As a good example of this is the job a person is working. There're very few people that work exactly what they enjoy and they are called - lucky. For the other part of people, enjoyment from the work they do is the last thing they are worried. Some people have to support family and have to work jobs that aren't so pleasent but will bring the food to the table, will send that person's kids to school and would dress them up. Some people even work the durtiest jobs on the planet driven by one goal - money. After all someone has to do those jobs. It's not only jobs that this topic is conserning. Even kids at school, eight out of 10 kids asked, on my oppinion and experienence, do not like to go to school or know a better and much more enjoyable way of spending their time. What would happen if everyone is let to do whatever they believe it's enjoyable for them? I believe the answer is - a total anarchy. The whole society would suffer. Schools would be empty and therefore children uneducated. The conclusion is that not everything in this life is enjoyable, not everything that a person does is enjoyable, but thats how it's suppose to be, that's what life is, and there is no other way.

Hi Vladi and thanks for sending in your essay.

Unfortunately, this essay would only score around 1.5~2.0 on the 5-point TOEFL writing scale.

You do have an argument and make some good points. However, there is no apparent organization or sequencing in your essay, which makes your ideas seem random and spontaneous rather than carefully composed. This also makes your argument less persuasive to the reader. This is one long looooong paragraph with no apparent attempt at signalling introduction, body and conclusion. TOEFL essay raters are quick to jump on and punish this sort of writing.

Suggestions for improvement:

Practice planning and organizing an essay with 4-5 paragraphs, clearly segregated into introduction, body paragraphs and conclusion. Establish one clear main idea or area for each body paragraph, then explain it and support it with a specific and relevant example.

Good luck with your essay writing and test efforts!

Regards,

Jason

_________________
Jason Renshaw
Managing Director: www.onlinEnglish.net
Published textbook author with Pearson Longman
http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html


Last edited by on Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:20 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html
Jason
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 63
Join date : 2007-10-01
Age : 45
Location : Changwon Korea & Melbourne Australia

PostSubject: Feedback for Esteban   Tue Jan 01, 2008 11:24 am

Esteban wrote:
I strongly support the idea that people should sometimes do things that they do not enjoy doing. In this essay I will illustrate and exemplify the previous statement.

Enjoyable things usually promote good results. In contrast, when performing not enjoyable tasks, the results might be poor or non acceptable. It should be taken in consideration that life is not always enjoyable; therefore it will frequently present tasks that might be not ejoyable to be accomplished. These tasks may represent a high risk if not accomplished and by performing them in a bad way, could be also detrimental.

I strongly recommend to evaluate what may happen if a task is not accomplished. When considering not doing the things we don't like, the consequences should be evaluated. It depends on which specific things we are talking about. There can be small issues like not willing to wear a sweater, which may not have so big consequences. But also, there can be some other issues like paying taxes which will be a big irresponsability not doing so, and also a federal crime.

There should be a balance of how we do things. Not all the things which people do not enjoy should be accomplished; however it is advisable to accomplish all responsabilities that might have bigger consequences in the future. By performing a good screening of which things that we don't like we can be avoided, a more enjoyable life can be accomplished.

Concluding, I consider that people usually have many things they might not like; however, it is important to be able to differentiate the consequences and decide which things should be done. Therefore, I strongly support the idea that people should sometimes do things that they do not enjoy doing.

Hi Esteban and thank you very much for submitting your TOEFL essay.

Your essay would, I believe, rate around a 3.0 on the TOEFL writing points scale. You've certainly managed to get some basic structure and organization into your essay, but your introduction and conclusion were brief and not all that convincing, and the main ideas in your body paragraphs were all that well supported in any sort of solid way - either through supporting details or exemplification. You were also rather repetitive with some of your vocabulary usage, and in some cases repeated words spelled incorrectly (for example "responsabilities" should be responsibilities). Your grammar on the whole, however, was fairly impressive.

Suggestions for Improvement:

1. Add something to your introduction that explores the general topic more and gets hold of your reader's attention.

2. Limit each body paragraph to a solid main idea in support of your argument. Explain the idea with more details, then try to include a very realistic and influential example if possible.

3. Take some time to edit and check your spelling before you send the essay.

Hope those simple suggestions help. Good luck with your TOEFL preparation!

Jason

_________________
Jason Renshaw
Managing Director: www.onlinEnglish.net
Published textbook author with Pearson Longman
http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html


Last edited by on Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:21 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html
Jason
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 63
Join date : 2007-10-01
Age : 45
Location : Changwon Korea & Melbourne Australia

PostSubject: Feedback for sarahsal   Tue Jan 01, 2008 11:31 am

sarahsal wrote:
" Do what you like inorder to like what you do " , this is a famous quote we usually hear,but is this true in life ? Do we usually do all what we like and enjoy ?
I guess the answer is NO . When we are ill we often go to the doctor , do we enjoy going there ? When we have to do a surgery , we have no pleasure in this . SO what about work ? i think sometimes we are urged to do somethings we don't like ,for example some students may work a subside job to earn money away from their studying field . For a graduate in a work field , one may accept anything to be stable in his job as staying for extra hours to finish his work ,or to prove his qualification at his position to satisfy his manager .
Some may agree on doing only what they like as this might show themselves ,making them create and shine though surely they'll meet for awhile something makes them do obliged things .
Finally sometimes life forces us not to go with our desires .

Hi sarahsal and thanks for sharing your essay with us.

This is going to score around 1.5~2.0 on the TOEFL scale of 1-5. You do make an argument and have some vague ideas to support it, but the essay is really lacking in detail, organization and cohesion. It appears to be completely unplanned and unedited, with no obvious organization through the body of the essay in particular.

Suggestions for improvement:

1. Try to jot down a plan on paper before your start typing. It doesn't need to be super pretty or detailed, just a list of the main parts of your essay and your focus for each.

2. Divide your supporting ideas into clear paragraphs, each with a topic sentence and supporting details. Also try to come up with some pragmatic and real-life style examples to support and illustrate each idea more stongly.

3. Be careful with questions - it's not a good idea to ask and answer your own questions in a formal essay. It looks like you are stumbling around from one spontaneous idea to another.

4. Be careful with punctuation - attach question marks (?) directly to the ends of words they follow, and leave a space after commas (not before).

Keep practicing and you'll improve, I'm sure of it!

Kind regards,

Jason

_________________
Jason Renshaw
Managing Director: www.onlinEnglish.net
Published textbook author with Pearson Longman
http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html


Last edited by on Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:21 pm; edited 2 times in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html
Jason
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 63
Join date : 2007-10-01
Age : 45
Location : Changwon Korea & Melbourne Australia

PostSubject: Feedback for luckykid   Tue Jan 01, 2008 11:53 am

luckykid wrote:
In life, there will surely be things you enjoy doing and don't. There are both pros and cons to doing things you enjoy and don't. As for me, I agree that people should sometimes do things they do not enjoy doing.

Of course, doing things you enjoy will bring pleasure. For example, many kids today enjoy playing video games. They become happy when they are playing video games because they enjoy doing it. In contrast, if they are asked to do homework, they will grumble or complain or be reluctant because they do not enjoy doing homework and they find no pleasure in doing it.

However, doing things we don't enjoy doing is a part of life and many a times it's our responsibility to do them. Take a student for instance. Much as a student doesn't enjoy doing homework, he/she is obliged to do it and as a student, it's their responsibility to do homework. Besides, when we are sick, we have to go to the hospital to see the doctor. Who likes going to a doctor? No one, but we must do it, in order to recover.

Secondly, there aren't many things which we find enjoyable and only doing enjoyable ones will limit the activities we are able to do. The world is not for us to only enjoy, it is for us to learn. We can learn much from the process of something. If we find the task not enjoyable and don't do it, our reputation will go down and also we will not be able to gain any additional experience.

Thirdly, doing things we don't enjoy doing may lead to an unexpected discovery. We never we what you really enjoy or do not enjoy doing till we have tried it out on your own. Some people may say they do not enjoy dancing but after attending a dance party, they find that they do enjoy dancing after all. Some students do not enjoy doing research but after they had done it, they will find that they know quite a lot about their research field already.

In conclusion, the benefits of doing things we don't enjoy overweigh those of doing things we enjoy so people should always do everything, regardless of whether they enjoy it or don't enjoy it for their own sake.

Hi luckykid and thanks for sending in your essay effort.

I think your essay would score somewhere around 3.0~3.5. You have the makings of a competent essay writer, using excellent language and presenting your ideas in a fairly well-organized way. However, you are set to lose points for not uniting your thoughts under clear main ideas throughout the body of your essay, and/or presenting examples that (while supporting your overall thesis) don't appear to resonate under a single idea for a body paragaph. The exception is your third point about 'unexpected discovery' - this was by far your best paragraph!

Suggestions for Improvement:

Decide on a clear main idea for each body paragraph and state it clearly in a topic sentence. Then make sure the examples you use cater to that idea specifically. Using the examples of students doing homework and people needing to go and see a doctor don't appear to have a single thread in common - they appear like random examples for your thesis rather than the particular paragraph. Your second point doesn't appear to have any real-world examples to support it at all.

Use your third point as a model for your writing - if all your body paragraphs can be composed in that way, you'll stand a much greater chance of landing a high score.

Hope the feedback helps! Good luck with your essay writing.

Jason

_________________
Jason Renshaw
Managing Director: www.onlinEnglish.net
Published textbook author with Pearson Longman
http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html


Last edited by on Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:22 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html
Jason
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 63
Join date : 2007-10-01
Age : 45
Location : Changwon Korea & Melbourne Australia

PostSubject: Feedback for bybolina   Tue Jan 01, 2008 12:05 pm

bybolina wrote:
People deal with everyday-life problems constantly. Тhis is because we are part of a whole complicated social system where everybody performs their own role and this role is important for being recognized as Someone by other people. Our social determination is connected to our different roles and problems that we deal with. It is believed that a useful to the society person is the one that reacts adequately to the tasks set and helps the society progress. Of course the role of being useful is difficult and complicated. We are obliged to make important decisions and take great number of responsibilities. Sometimes people just feel that they have reached the end of their strengths or they miss the meaning of what they do. Many times you are obliged to do certain things that you donít understand or you donít accept, concerning the job performance - you suffer the wish of your unprofessional employer. In this case the work status expects you do certain things no matter that you donít feel like doing them.
Тhere are also seen examples in life where people do with pleasure the set tasks, but those who are not happy with what they do are expected to accept the dependency of a highly-positioned person affecting their personal preferences. These people can either protest against this position and quit job or continue performing certain actions in order to contribute to the progress of the company.
Our personal life also requires doing things that we do not always approve. This can be related to relatives, education, even personal relationships. It is essential to understand that we ourselves being a part of this global social structure are obliged sometimes to take the responsibility of doing what we donít enjoy. The results of it may come later on, preferably positive ones. That is why it is important to make difference what is the thing that we donít like doing but is essential to our future development. The variant to quit doing this tasks should be accepted only if the action is too unpleasant and too contradicting our principles to much that it could lead to further psychological or physical problems.

Hi bybolina and thanks for participating and sending in your essay.

This essay is set to get a score of about 2.0~2.5.

You haven't overtly stated whether you agree with the statement in the topic and the reader is left to infer - never a good idea in a TOEFL essay and always risky when you remember that TOEFL essay raters dedicate very limited time to reading your essay in any depth. Your thesis in response to the topic has to be obvious and fairly immediate.

You also have a major problem organizing your thoughts into directed ideas and using standard essay layout. Half of your essay appears as the introduction, which in itself has several different points. There is no proper body or conclusion that I can see, just a mass of ideas supported in wordy terms but without many real-world examples.

Suggestions for Improvement:

Take some time learning how to quickly plan your essays, and/or educating yourself about the main parts of an essay and what should be included in each. You have lots of good ideas and insights, but your writing is suffering because you can't organize and exemplify them to build a measured and logical response to the topic.

Good luck with your essay writing and don't give up!

Best,

Jason

_________________
Jason Renshaw
Managing Director: www.onlinEnglish.net
Published textbook author with Pearson Longman
http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html


Last edited by on Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:22 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html
Jason
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 63
Join date : 2007-10-01
Age : 45
Location : Changwon Korea & Melbourne Australia

PostSubject: Feedback for Fatos   Tue Jan 01, 2008 12:23 pm

Fatos wrote:
Doing things that a person does not want or enjoy to do is something ordinary nowadays. Because of the many opportunities that life gives a person on his/her life, the person definetely should so something that he doesn't enjoy doing in order to achieve his desire. So many people in the world work and do things that they don't enjoy doing but the must do them in order to attain in work, school, and life in general.

People do things in their specific work that maybe they don't enjoy doing it. For example, if i am working on computer software company and my boss asked me to finish a project or create a program i will do that with joy but when it comes to a part when i've got to give a report of my work to the boss then i will definetely feel unpleasantly and will not enjoy that part of work, but i should do that because my boss asked for it and if i don't do it because of my personal feeling about giving reports to somebody then i would probably have problems with my boss where it could lead me to lose my job.

Whereas in school we learn a lot of subjects, and there are some subject that we like and enjoy learning them and there are some subject where we get to the point of boring learning them. For instance, when i am learning math i feel very excited and i feel pleasant because i like that subject and do that with joy but when i am learning biology i get really bored and do not learn that with joy but i need to do it because the school program requires it and if i don't then i will definetely get bad marks on biology so i should learn it.

And in an aspect of life in general, people do things that they do not enjoy doing because they have to do them because life requires them to do those things even if they feel unpleasantly by doing so.

Elaborating all of this, people work, learn, and sacrifice in order to achieve their goals even if they do not enjoy doing some things. But life is not just working the things that you like sometimes you should work the things that you don't like in order to accomplish something of you desire even if that leads to a feeling of unpleasantness.

Hi Fatos and thanks for submitting your TOEFL essay.

All up, you are due for a score of around 3.0 for this essay (out of 5). You appear to have clear main ideas that are well organized, and I thought your introduction and conclusion were quite good. The third body paragraph without any support is losing you points (perhaps you were running out of time?), but more importantly, your loooooooooong sentences with lots of 'and's and 'but's is really hurting your score. Writing sentences like that makes it appear that you are "writing out loud" - writing as you think, adding more and more to each thought in a somewhat undisciplined way. For the reader, it becomes very difficult to see your main point or to understand the significance of individual details or examples. In one sentence alone I counted 6 clause-separating conjunctions (and/but/so) as well as a conditional clause. That was in a long paragraph that only actually had two sentences! It becomes almost impossible to discern your main points in those circumstances.

Suggestions for Improvement:

1. Ensure you give yourself 5 minutes to edit, and in your case absolutely make sure you go back and edit each sentence back to a couple of main clauses. It's perfectly okay to continue ideas with new sentences, using linking devices such as "In addition", "Added to that", "However", etc.

2. I think you tried too hard to produce a 5-paragraph essay here, when a 4-paragraph essay (intro-body1-body2-concl) would have been absolutely fine and still earned you a good score. If you are going to go into lots of detail, make sure all the detail is relevant, and make sure you have time to go back and make it more succinct with better sentence writing.

I hope those tips help. Good luck with your TOEFL efforts!

Jason

_________________
Jason Renshaw
Managing Director: www.onlinEnglish.net
Published textbook author with Pearson Longman
http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html


Last edited by on Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:22 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html
Jason
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 63
Join date : 2007-10-01
Age : 45
Location : Changwon Korea & Melbourne Australia

PostSubject: Feedback for inna   Tue Jan 01, 2008 12:35 pm

inna wrote:
People should sometimes do things that they do not enjoy doing.

I think that during whole life people mostly are doing things that they do not enjoy to do. Only few things are enjoyable in our life, most things we mast to do, because without this maybe not so interesting, pleasant due we can not keep our life in order.
I have a lot of things at mind that bring me enjoyment. Things like take vacation , travel or just watch T.V. and relax. But I can not do these enjoyable things all time, because I want to keep my life and order and because I have family to support.

In our day day life, most of our tasks are not enjoyable. We cook, clean,doing laundry and then we clean again. All this tasks are as enjoyable as going to dentist. Most of as are dislike to do a house labor. However as sad Volter in Condidos ďWe mast cultivated our gardenĒ.So do this task only to keep live organize and in order to have stability. I believe that our parents complain about changing our diapers and attending to us, when we wake up in the middle of night .This tasks however has been done daily. Now we place our parents because they did this thing for us. No one likes to do home tasks, but is part of our life
Our social live can be not so enjoyable also. To be honest, is many of as have job, that they really like?
When you go to high school you still believe to you dreams. When you going to college then mostly of your dreams being unrealistic. We choose majority that we did not thought about before , just because it easy and brings a lot of money. So when we done with education we work long hours in the job that we do not like. Soon or later we going to relanship with another person and then we have to take responsibility for bills to pay and people to feed. Aldo we often think if we would choose the job we wonted, however we newer just drop whole and go because we have responsibilities and obligation.
In summary people mostly are doing not enjoyable things, because they want to feed thyself and they depend and have organized live.

Hi inna and thanks for trying this essay.

Unfortunately, this essay would score 1.5~2.0. There are some positive signs of a well organized essay and some thoughtful examples, but it has a lot of repetition and some confusing use of grammar and expressions that make the essay somewhat difficult to read.

Suggestions for Improvement:

Work on your grammar and spelling. Confusing "mast" and "must" once could be forgiven as a typo, but doing so on multiple occasions just makes your spelling and grammar look poor. I would recommend a good grammar series like "English Grammar in Use" from Cambridge University Press - you need to do a lot more work with sentences and grammar before you can hope for a very decent score on the TOEFL (especially in the way you use verbs). I am sorry to point that out, but I know that the TOEFL essay raters often mark essays down very strongly when basic grammar and spelling are not exhibited.

Keep studying and trying - you'll achieve a good score in the end!

Best wishes,

Jason

_________________
Jason Renshaw
Managing Director: www.onlinEnglish.net
Published textbook author with Pearson Longman
http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html


Last edited by on Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:23 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html
Jason
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 63
Join date : 2007-10-01
Age : 45
Location : Changwon Korea & Melbourne Australia

PostSubject: Feedback for cutyjin   Tue Jan 01, 2008 12:46 pm

cutyjin wrote:
As a member of this society, people has many responsibilities to do.
In terms of that, I think people should do somthing that they do not enjoying doing.
There are two specific reasons for this.

First of all, there is process to do something that people enjoys it. During this process, there may exist something that people does not enjoy, however, people should do it to accomplish their wants. For example, to be a doctor, students should listen some required lectures event if they do not want to take it.

Second, to preserve this society, people should do several responsibilities.
If people do not do this, this society can not stay safety and peaceful.
There are some instances that people should do: voting, paying taxes and keeping traffic order. People should these things irrespective of their wishes.

We are members of the society. We have obligation to preserve this socitey and keep their rules.
For this, people should do something that people do not enjoying.

Hi cutyjin and thank you for sending in your TOEFL essay effort.

You are looking at a score of about 2.0~2.5 for this essay. While you have managed to include some essay basics and a general argument, the writing is brief and simple and lacks substance or elaboration. In short, there is not a lot of "you" in what you write - something that is called for when asked for a personal opinion.

Suggestions for Improvement:

You have the essay "basics" of intro-body-concl but your challenge now is to elaborate and personalize your writing. For your two body paragraphs here, try to include a more specific example relevant to yourself or someone you know, in addition to the simple and generic examples you have given. For your first body paragraph, perhaps you could include some details about the hardships you yourself endured to achieve some sort of life goal? In the second body paragraph, talk about the obligations you personally have as a responsible citizen.

Another way to "flesh out" your paragraphs is to include some cause and effect details. In your two body paragraphs, what can happen if we don't work hard to achieve goals, or don't obey rules and regulations? Hypothesize some possible negative effects that could occur, as this then lends strengths to the arguments you are making.

You also need to pay some attention to basic grammar (for example "people has" = people have).


I hope these pointers help out in some way. Best of luck for your TOEFL writing!

Jason

_________________
Jason Renshaw
Managing Director: www.onlinEnglish.net
Published textbook author with Pearson Longman
http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html


Last edited by on Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:24 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html
Jason
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 63
Join date : 2007-10-01
Age : 45
Location : Changwon Korea & Melbourne Australia

PostSubject: Feedback for zeeshan   Tue Jan 01, 2008 9:08 pm

zeeshan wrote:
No doubt about that people should sometimes do things they do not enjoy doing and there are several reasons rather advantages of following this practice. To commence with, I would state that most people just develop feeling of non-enjoyment for certain activities by just looking at others or by just thinking about that activity. They really dont involve in such activity. It has been established that majority of the people who initially dont like doing the activity start enjoying once they really get involved in it. They even enjoy more than others and this new experience mesmerises them to a extent that this activity comes top in list of their favourity activities.To add to this, by doing this one learns alot. One learns tolerance, endurance and experiences new things and this generates new ideas. Once you start doing it, you enter in a process of developing your skills and getting yourself acquainted to something which you dont like. This gives tolerance, patience and skill of surviving in an environment where you dont want to be. Furthermore, life never remains same and someone said:" the only constant thing in this world is change", one never knows, at what moment of life, your's this particular experience will bear results and will help you in surmounting an obstacle.

After considering all this, I would suggest that people must do things which they dont enjoy doing it because this exposes them to multiple facets of life. People learn several things by following this practice just as patience, tolerance, commitment and the skill of being accoustomed to new surrounding where one dont want to be.

Hi zeeshan and thanks for trying out the TOEFL essay.

Your essay submission would score about a 1.5~2.0 on the 5 point scale. While you do appear to have some good ideas, you haven't organized them into a formal essay style and haven't backed any of them up with approachable examples.

Suggestions for Improvement:

Take 2-5 minutes to make a quick plan before you start writing, and make sure you organize your writing into a 4 or 5 paragraph essay with clear breaks to create an introduction, body paragraphs and a conclusion. Stick to one main idea or point for each paragraph and support each with some sort of realistic example that will be persuasive to a reader.

Once you can do that, you can start to work a little more on your language use. But an unorganized essay without any real supporting examples for ideas will never rate highly on the TOEFL - so that's your first priority at this stage.

Hope the tips help - good luck with your iBT TOEFL preparation!

Regards,

Jason
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html
Jason
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 63
Join date : 2007-10-01
Age : 45
Location : Changwon Korea & Melbourne Australia

PostSubject: Feedback for cathy   Tue Jan 01, 2008 9:18 pm

cathy wrote:
There are all kinds of survey that have been done in the world. However, none asked whether people should do things that arenít enjoyable. Why? It is a generally accepted that because everyone has responsibilities and that being a good member of society means more than following his/her will, one must sometimes do things that arenít their favorite.
Everyone has responsibilities. Responsibility is something no one can escape. Children have to eat vegetables. They must do so to keep healthy. It matters not that many kids donít enjoy the taste. Teenagers have to get up early in the morning. Otherwise, they wonít be able to catch the bus. Adults are the same. It is no news that many workers hate their jobs. However, they keep do the job to keep food on the table. There is always something in life that is necessary, but not enjoyable.
Also, only when people start to do things that arenít their top-choice, they can be called as a mature member of the society. In a community, small or big, there are many jobs. All of them need to be done. Besides some popular choices, there are the ones that are necessary but undesirable. For example, people love to be the leaders. They donít enjoy being the one to be ordered around. People like giving order. They dislike doing tedious works. However, how can any work be done when no one is doing the actual work? When people just do what they like, those persons are being immature. One must consider not only of what of oneís personal desire. Rather, one needs to think about the impact of the behavior to the society. By choosing to do thing one doesnít necessarily enjoy, the person shows that he/she cares about the society. Thus, that individual is any good member of the society.
Responsibilities are unavoidable. And being a good member involve more than doing what one likes. Doing things that one may not enjoy is a part of life.

Hi cathy and thanks for sending in your essay.

I think you'll end up with a score of about 3.0-3.5 for this essay. It's reasonably well written with fairly good use of ideas and vocabulary. I thought the introduction in particular was very good. It eased into the topic in a creative way, caught the reader's attention and made your thesis/position appear logical.

However, the main ideas in your body paragraphs are a little unclear, and I think you've used the idea of 'responsibility' a little too generally. Your points would also benefit from better use of personal examples.

Suggestions for Improvement:

1. Leave a blank line between paragraphs to better show where one finishes and the next one starts. It was a little difficult for me to see the break between ideas in your body paragraphs in particular.

2. Choose and stick to a specific main idea for each body paragraph. I think the first body paragraph focuses more on 'basic necessities' rather than the idea of responsibility. Likewise, the second body paragraph is probably more about social or civic responsibility. You need to direct clear topic sentences to show these different aspects in support of your position.

3. Use more effective examples, from your own personal life or experience or those you know around you. It helps to add a specific relevance to your ideas, which in turn makes them read as more convincing.

I hope this gives you something to think about and work with. Best of luck with your essay writing development!

Jason
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html
Jason
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 63
Join date : 2007-10-01
Age : 45
Location : Changwon Korea & Melbourne Australia

PostSubject: Feedback for Sathya   Tue Jan 01, 2008 9:27 pm

Sathya wrote:
Enjoying life anf enjoying things that happen around us lies in the hands of each individual. I agree with the statemant that peoplle should do things that they dont enjoy. We live in a society, where social demands are more than the individual's needs.So, everyone should do things to survive in this society.
First of all, "the workplace", the source of living. We choose our job to support our family. But, if we find it difficult overtime or feel monotonous, we wont enjoy doing it. But we have to as we are responsible and we may be the sufferers if we resist to do it.
Also, We do certain things to make others happy even if we dont enjoy it. Someone goes to a movie with his best friend though he doesn't like it. He has practised over time to enjoy his friend enjoying.
Of course, the important thing is in the case of "rules". People never like to follw one if it obstructs their enjoyment like smoking in public area, Shouting at the library. These rules have to be followed as the consequences may be severe.
So i would agree that people sometimes should do things that they dont enjoy and also suggest that they should try to enjoy what they are supposed else life wont be tastier.Being responsible, one should enjoy everything comes in one's life.

Hi Sathya and thanks for submitting your TOEFL essay.

This essay is likely to get a score in the 2.0~2.5 range. Your position is clear and there is some attempt to support it with organized ideas, but overall the content is too brief and not specific enough, making them rather unconvincing. You also have several grammar and punctuation mistakes that will hurt your score overall.

Suggestions for Improvement:

1. Stick to one main idea per body paragraph and support it with specific details and examples relevant to that idea. The support of your main ideas is brief and vague in this essay.

2. Take some time to go back and edit for punctuation. You shouldn't be typing "i" for "I", there is a simple typo in the third word of the essay that looks poor, and there are some problems with capitalization and commas. In short, you need to pay more attention to the accuracy of your punctuation, to avoid losing points for careless mistakes.

Sorry if the feedback seems strict! You do have the potential to write good essays, with some practice and more focus on detail and accuracy.

Best of luck with it!

Jason
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html
Jason
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 63
Join date : 2007-10-01
Age : 45
Location : Changwon Korea & Melbourne Australia

PostSubject: Feedback for rati   Tue Jan 01, 2008 9:35 pm

rati wrote:
I oppose the point that people sometimes should do the things they donot enjoy doing because everyone has a right and freedom to do the things they enjoy.
Firstly,your the own to use your decsion to what you desire.Life should be spend by doing the things you enjoy,then only you can remain happy and successful in your life .For eg, if a student choose arts only because of peer pressure though he enjoys history,then he can never do well in arts because he enjoys history.So interst should always be first consideration.
secondly,the things done as a compromise never turns to be good.As an example to myself i forcely joined my friend for swwiming last week and i was drowned and i was in hospital for a day.As a matter of fact we should always do the things that draws attention to do it.
Hence there are several prospects that implies that it is always a good to make a choice that satisfies and entartains you doing.

Hi rati and thanks for sending in your essay response.

You are set to score about 1.5~2.0 on this essay. You have the makings of a well organized essay, but your spelling and punctuation need serious work, and your use of examples needs to be specific and realistic. Your language use also needs to improve a lot, as at times I found it quite difficult to understand what it was you were trying to express.

Suggestions for Improvement:

1. Take time to go back and edit your essay for punctuation. You rarely use spaces after periods and commas, and this makes the writing hard to read.

2. Practice your written grammar more. Your grammar needs to develop a lot more before it can impress on a TOEFL essay.

3. Stick to realistic-sounding examples in support of your ideas. If, as you say, you drowned after being forced to go swimming, then you wouldn't be here to write this essay - right? It looks like you made this idea up completely just to support an idea. It's okay to 'create' examples, so long as they are realistic to a reader!

You've got some work to do, so keep your chin up and I hope these pointers assist you in some way.

Best of luck,

Jason
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html
Jason
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 63
Join date : 2007-10-01
Age : 45
Location : Changwon Korea & Melbourne Australia

PostSubject: Feedback for nima62us   Tue Jan 01, 2008 9:42 pm

nima62us wrote:
It is widely believed that free time is the time for enjoying your life, doing some activities, relaxing ,etc. According to a research investigated by Tehran University, the vast majority of Iranian people are interested in spending their free time with their families, but on the other hand , the small minority of people would like to rest their mind during leisure time. In this essay ,the pros and cons of this issue have been relatively surveyed.
There are three significant advantages for the people who improve their minds by doing some activities such as reading, doing word puzzles and so forth. In the first place, some activities have the ability to open peoples minds for example playing chess, cards and doing word puzzles. From psychologist view point, the group of people who do this activities in their free time are more successful in their lives .secondly, they can solve their life problems easier and better due to the fact that they can think more deeply to the problems. In addition, they can face to the realities more simply .
In fact, it is understood that a number of people who improve their minds within their free time, are exposed to some mental diseases. Medically speaking, tiredness, stress and depression are such sicknesses might be involved in this type of group. Nowadays it is a firm belief that every human being must spare some time for resting and relaxing .
In contrast, the second group of people who are resting their mind during free time ,encounter to less problems than the first group. One of the most essential benefits is their lost energy will come back ,consequently ,their lives will be spent more convenient than the first group .As far as psychologists are concerned, roughly 80 percent of people in this group are more successful in their occupations. Whereas, short-sightedness and slow-mindedness are the main weaknesses of this group.
In the final analysis, given the factors which have been outlined, we can now turn to the question that every humankind need to dived the leisure time in to two parts both resting their minds by relaxing and doing some activities for improving their minds, doing word puzzles, for instance.

Hi nima62us, and thanks for submitting your essay.

Unfortunately, this essay would score 1.0~1.5 at best, because it appears to be off-topic. What you have written is vaguely related to the essay topic, but sufficiently off-base to suggest you either didn't understand it properly or chose to write about something else you felt more comfortable with. TOEFL essay raters are particularly severe on this, and have been known to give a straight '0' when they think an essay is off-topic, no matter how detailed or well-written it is.

Suggestions for Improvement:

1. Stick to the topic and answer it specifically with a thesis showing your own position/opinion in the introduction.

2. Using detailed examples/evidence is fine so long as they are used to support specific main ideas you have expressed which in turn support the position you have made clear at the beginning of your essay.

You have some good writing ability, so please do focus your attention on answering the question correctly.

Best of luck to you in your TOEFL preparation!

Regards,

Jason
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html
Jason
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 63
Join date : 2007-10-01
Age : 45
Location : Changwon Korea & Melbourne Australia

PostSubject: Feedback for manu   Tue Jan 01, 2008 10:03 pm

manu wrote:
Yes I do agree to the point that people should do things which they donít really enjoy doing.
Most of us live with our families and in such atmosphere we come across situations where we are prone to compromise at various issues though we donít like.

For example my grandparents like me wearing traditional dresses at home but I donít really feel comfortable but for their happiness I need to wear them.
When watching television with kids you are supposed to watch programmes or serials meant for kids though you are really wanting to watch something else.
Mothers might not like watching cartoons but just because of kids they have to watch cartoons along with the kids.
Sometimes you see someone not really dressed well but when asked about the looks you are supposed to speak good about them to keep their heart else you will be responsible for their depressed moods.
We sometimes need to accompany our spouses to some place because you can make them feel happy by doing so though you are not really interested in doing so.

These were very few to mention .In life we come across many such instances where in we are prone to do things which we donít really enjoy doing or not are interested in doing so but still do it for others happiness and to keep someone smiling or to prevent disturbances in life.

Hi manu and thanks for sending in your essay.

Your essay would most likely score 2.0-2.5. The essay lacks substance and while you have mentioned several relevant examples, they are not organized in any particular way to create a sense of movement from one main point to another. Your essay would also benefit from a more effective introduction that leads into the topic rather than simply stating a position in response to the prompt. Your language use is good, and I thought the examples were personal and effective, but the overall score will fall because of the points above.

Suggestions for Improvement:

1. Explore the topic in a creative way in your introduction, showing you understand the significance of it, before stating your thesis/position.

2. Do some quick planning and ensure you have 2-3 body paragraphs, each oriented around a single main idea of some sort. At the moment, your body just consists of a variety of examples (even though they are, as I have said, relevant and effective examples). Without a guiding main idea, these examples appear random and without any particular organization or significance. Some of the potential main ideas I see in your essay are compromising with family expectations, being considerate of others' feelings despite our honest opinions, and putting the interests of loved ones ahead of our own. But these ideas need to be stated, explored and then exemplified.

If you incorporate those aspects into your essay writing, it should be easy for you to lift your score to a much more respectable result.

I hope you found this feedback helpful, and best of luck to you in your TOEFL preparation.

- Jason

_________________
Jason Renshaw
Managing Director: www.onlinEnglish.net
Published textbook author with Pearson Longman
http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html


Last edited by on Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:27 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html
Jason
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 63
Join date : 2007-10-01
Age : 45
Location : Changwon Korea & Melbourne Australia

PostSubject: Feedback for igwe   Wed Jan 02, 2008 7:47 am

igwe wrote:
I agree with the statement that people should sometimes do things that they do not enjoy doing. I have discovered that the things that I do not enjoy doing are things that I am afraid of attempting for the fear of failure, which I have also found out that I have weakness in.

For instance I do not enjoy taking minutes of a meeting and would do everything to transfer that responsibility so that my inability to capture effectively the proceddings of a meeting will not be obvious to my superiors.

I have also found that each time I could not transfer the responsibility, I did exceptionally well. This made me to conclude that doing sometimes things that one does not enjoy doing could be an opportunity to find out some inherent abilities that are craving for expression.

Since it is not always, doing the things one does not enjoy doing may be an opportunity for one to conquer his or her fears and give exprression to some abilities.

It could afford one the opportunity to try some other things though not enjoyable. You can decide to do something that you do not enjoy doing to please others like your friends, spouse or even kids. You may have to watch a particular programme on T.V or go to see a movie, which ordinarily you would not have seen or watched just to make someone happy or comfortable.

You could equally do such to make someone achieve a goal, for instance, going to watch a football match asa support for your brother who would be featuring in the match even when you do not enjoy football.

Hi igwe and thanks for contributing your TOEFL essay.

You would probably score around a 2.0 for this essay (out of 5 total points). You do state a position and present examples to support it, but unfortunately there is no logical flow to your essay (in terms of organized, targeted body paragraphs) and no conclusion that I can see. This makes your writing look vague and non-directed. The score of 2 is probably based more on your ability to present some examples and use fairly good language. Where you are lacking is with general essay composition, organization and depth.

Suggestions for Improvement:

1. Make a plan before you start writing, and choose 2-3 central concepts or ideas to become the focus of 2-3 body paragraphs in support of your thesis/position. Explain these as general ideas, then provide some detail about them and then use some relevant real-world examples to illustrate them.

2. Try to include a conclusion in your essay that sums up the central ideas in your body paragraphs and leaves a lasting impression of some kind on the reader.

I hope those tips help!

Regards,

Jason

_________________
Jason Renshaw
Managing Director: www.onlinEnglish.net
Published textbook author with Pearson Longman
http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html


Last edited by on Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:27 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html
Jason
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 63
Join date : 2007-10-01
Age : 45
Location : Changwon Korea & Melbourne Australia

PostSubject: Feedback for chloego   Wed Jan 02, 2008 7:59 am

chloego wrote:
Task 2:
We should sometimes do what do not want to do because this is the mature and responsible choice. Our wants are largely based on feelings. The problem with feelings is that one minute, we may feel like reading a book; the next, we may feel like going to the gym instead. We should not entrust our lives to unreliable emotions. Making decisions requires careful thought and analysis. We should consider consequences and act based on what will be good for us in the long run.

To illustrate, suppose I only studied whenever I wanted to when I was younger. Then, I would never have studied at all. I would have just watched TV or read romance novels all day. Despite not feeling like studying, I knew in my mind that it was important if I wanted to earn a decent living in the future. Thus, I set aside my feelings and did the responsible thing: study.

At present, there are times when my work seems to overwhelm me. I have been tempted a number of times to look for the easy way out and quit. However, I know I have a responsibility to provide for my family. Although my job is not the perfect job, it is a good one. What do I do then when I am feeling lazy? I sit in front of my computer, close my eyes for a second, and picture myself sitting in front of my mortgage-free house with grandkids on my lap.

Lastly, ethics binds us to do the right thing even if it is easier not to. I know of people who claim they are heads of their families on their income tax returns when in fact they are not. This is tantamount to stealing from the government and is a criminal offense. On top of providing for my children, I have to be their role model. I cannot be a hypocrite and punish my kids for pilfering from a minimart when I myself am guilty of stealing. Thus, in this case, I have to choose to do the right thing.

To sum, we sometimes have to make choices we do not want because we have to be mature and responsible. We cannot always act based on feelings. Important decisions require thought and analysis of consequences and, at times, disregard of how we may feel.

Hi chloego and thanks for posting your essay.

This essay would rate 4.0~4.5 on the 5-point TOEFL scale. It is very well written and generally pretty well organized. I thought the introduction showed an excellent understanding of the subtleties of the topic and formed a good lead-in to your thesis (though I would have liked this to address the question in the topic a little more directly). You've used excellent language and rhetotical devices, and what appear to be very logical and realistic examples.

Where I think your essay lacked a little was in terms of making the topic of each body paragraph crystal clear. I was able to infer central idea of each, but with TOEFL raters it is worth being a little more direct, just in case you get one who is reading your essay very quickly.

Suggestions for Improvement:

Select and express a central main idea in topic sentence form for each of your body paragraphs. You did this very well in the third body paragraph (the one talking about ethics), but the paragraphs before that were more oblique. Your first body paragraph is about the central importance of education leading to career success, so I would start the paragraph by saying exactly that. Your second body paragraph is about succeeding with your work to achieve financial goals for your family. By adding clear topic sentences to frame these paragraphs, the great writing you have produced here will end up better organized and more contextualized.

Just one other note - toward the end where you introduce your conclusion. We say "To sum up," rather than just "To sum". :-)

Great effort, you're not very far away from a perfect score. Keep up the good work and best of luck to you.

- Jason

_________________
Jason Renshaw
Managing Director: www.onlinEnglish.net
Published textbook author with Pearson Longman
http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html


Last edited by on Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:28 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html
Jason
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 63
Join date : 2007-10-01
Age : 45
Location : Changwon Korea & Melbourne Australia

PostSubject: Feedback for Aliya   Wed Jan 02, 2008 8:09 am

Aliya wrote:
Well every person believes that he has been given all the rights by the God to live a life but under certain conditions.People usually think of their happiness and certain occasions and things under which they would enjoy their life happily.We should also think that the life given to us in not only for our enjoyment but to make sure that this life brings a smile to faces wth whom we live or those which mean a lot to us. So I strongly agree that people sometimes should attempt things which does not make them happy.
Firstly, living to certain conditions laid by our parents or friends. In mentioning this sentence I want to explain that how we can attempt to make our loved ones happy.It has happened with me several times that I am not interested to go to a place but I still step out with a smiley face to show my parents that I do respect their decisions. Even though I have no enjoyment in going there ,I do these things to make my parents happy.Secondly,friendship also tests you n certain cases. If your best friends asks you for something can you imagine to tell her that sorry I do not enjoy in doing these things. Well in my case , I was certainly in a very bad mood and willing to stay in my room and rest for a while. At that moment my friend calls me and asks for going out shopping with her , a task which I really dislike to an extent.But as she wanted to shop with her as she had no time herself and I felt that I should help her out thinking that I cannot resist shopping for longer hours.Well i went with her and she enjoyed fully only because of my company.
On the contrary, sometimes these things can make you irritate or lose your tepmer at times. This is because if you had bad experiences considering those events which you would have not enjoyed , you would not be willing to do that task once more .Furthermore, if you would not enjoy doing a certain task you cannot make others happy or handle the situation properly.
Therefore, I feel in my case I have done certain tasks which I have not enjoyed and done to make others happy with which certain people may not agree. But I feel if you try these things you will feel how living for others can bring joy to your life.

Hi Aliya and thanks for trying out the TOEFL writing task.

You're looking at a score of about 3.0 for this essay. It shows a lot of promise, but suffers from too many extended vague details in the introduction and formatting problems with your paragraphs in the body of the essay. I did like your examples and conclusion, however.

Suggestions for Improvement:

1. Make your introduction more succinct. It dedicates a lot of sentences that all basically mean the same thing - so this looks vague. Stick to introducing the topic and stating your position in response to it.

2. Use the "enter" or "tab" key to clearly show paragraph breaks. I can see two body paragraphs with different main ideas that are essentially presented here as one paragraph.

3. Avoid going off topic or contradicting your earlier-stated position. The paragraph there beginning with "On the contrary" should be deleted completely - it has no real place in the essay.

I hope these pointers make sense to you and help you out. Good luck with it!

- Jason

_________________
Jason Renshaw
Managing Director: www.onlinEnglish.net
Published textbook author with Pearson Longman
http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html


Last edited by on Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:28 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html
Jason
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 63
Join date : 2007-10-01
Age : 45
Location : Changwon Korea & Melbourne Australia

PostSubject: Feedback for Debbie   Wed Jan 02, 2008 8:25 am

Debbie wrote:
I agree with the statement ďPeople should sometimes do things that they do not enjoy doingĒ The following paragraphs will state in detail the reasons and examples to support my answers.

There are circumstances in life that we have to do things that do not make us happy or not enjoyable to do. One reason why we still do is because we love the people that we do these things for. I send some money to my sister every month. And this would mean that I have to limit my own expenditures even for necessary purchases. As a result, I have to work overtime to sustain these financial requirements. I care for my sister and her two young children. She is a single mother and my love for them is the reason why I have to send her money even if it hurts me sometimes.

Another reason why I do things sometimes that I do not enjoy doing is responsibility. I am not used to taking multivitamin supplements and I do not like taking them. My husband and I are planning to have our first baby. During my visit to my Gynecologist, she advised me to start taking multivitamins on a daily basis. In as much as I do not enjoy taking multivitamins, I have to do it. By taking multivitamins before pregnancy can help prevent certain birth defects in babies and support a healthy pregnancy. I have a responsibility to my baby to do the best I could for him/her to be healthy.

Finally, I do things sometimes that I do not find enjoyable is because we do not have a better choice but to do it. An example of this task is cleaning the house. I cannot afford to pay for a house cleaner so I do not a better choice but to clean the house myself even if I do not like doing this task.

Hi Debbie and thanks for sending along your TOEFL essay.

All up I think you would score around 3.0~3.5 for this essay. If you had done a few basic things differently, the score would have been much higher, because the central parts of your essay are quite excellent. The first two body paragraphs are very well presented and well-reasoned and exemplified, making them quite persuasive to the reader. Unfortunately, your introduction was lacking, you have a third body paragraph that is too brief, and no conclusion at all for the essay.

Suggestions for Improvement:

1. Instead of trying only to write a 5-paragraph essay, concentrate first on mastering a 4-paragraph essay with intro-body1-body2-conclusion. It is still possible to achieve a high or perfect score with this format if your ideas are sufficiently explored, expressed and exemplified. If you had done this with this essay, I think you would have had time to make a better introduction, forget about a third body paragraph, and include even a simple conclusion to round out your essay.

2. Try to avoid simply repeating the topic in your introduction. Also, the sentence "The following paragraphs will state in detail the reasons and examples to support my answers" is completely unnecessary. By writing this essay it is more than obvious you are going to try and support your position on the issue! Try to introduce the topic in terms of what it means or why it is relevant to people. Then state your position, and include summarizing details of the main ideas to follow.

3. Include a conclusion for your essay that re-states your position and sums up the ideas presented. Leave some kind of finishing thought you want the reader to take away with him/her.

I hope those tips help. You have a lot of potential as a writer, so please keep trying!

Regards,

- Jason

_________________
Jason Renshaw
Managing Director: www.onlinEnglish.net
Published textbook author with Pearson Longman
http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html


Last edited by on Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:29 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.onlinEnglish.net/jason.html
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Free iBT independent writing task submission   

Back to top Go down
 
Free iBT independent writing task submission
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 2 of 10Go to page : Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10  Next
 Similar topics
-
» AMAZING NEW TOP-LEVEL DOMAIN NOW AVAILABLE: .NEWS DOMAINS ARE PERFECT FOR INDEPENDENT NEWS SITES; GET LISTED FOR FREE AT THE GOODGOPHER.COM SEARCH ENGINE
» Fatwa about writing Fiction
» Golden script / unknown writing / symbols
» Free Astrolgy Chart
» Automatic Writing?

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Writing & Speaking Forums :: iBT TOEFL Writing & Speaking :: Free iBT Actual Test Independent Essay Submission-
Jump to: