Answer Submission for Part 2 / Question 6

Last edited by on Tue Oct 16, 2007 7:29 pm; edited 1 time in total

Please post your writing responses for the free online TOEIC writing test task (question 6) here. You do not need to log in or register to post your writing, simply click on POSTREPLY.

Please answer the writing prompt in 10 minutes or less.

Please allow at least a couple of days for an OnlinEnglish.net Administrator to view and respond to your task. Responses will be limited to a score and some generic comments targeting the areas you could improve in.

Good luck!

Guest

Question 6:
Dear sirs, thank you very much for your e-mail, i feel really honored to have received this promotion. As a team i am sure we all will move our business.

I take this opportunity to ask to please contact me with the Public Relations office in order to arrange for a meeting next February 20th, I wish to address a short speach to my staff.

Additionally, it will be very helpful if you could provide information on housing around the office area since I have just moved to the city.

Again, thank you very much for your e-mail,

kindly,
lizbeth

Guest

Dear Sir/Madam,

Hi! it's an honor being promoted and given the trust of this good company, Sim Valley Inc. thank you for giving me the opportunity to be of greater servive.

in accordance to this, i would like to ask your good office if you would refer me to a car rental agent, my car is still in the shop and this monday my staff and I will be having a meeting. there is no public transport near my place.

lastly, am i still the one who is going to present to the board on monday about the merger of the company.

again, thank you for your trust.

best regards,

Albert

Subject: Score / Feedback for Imsanche Wed Oct 17, 2007 7:53 pm

lmsanche wrote:: Question 6:
Dear sirs, thank you very much for your e-mail, i feel really honored to have received this promotion. As a team i am sure we all will move our business.

I take this opportunity to ask to please contact me with the Public Relations office in order to arrange for a meeting next February 20th, I wish to address a short speach to my staff.

Additionally, it will be very helpful if you could provide information on housing around the office area since I have just moved to the city.

Again, thank you very much for your e-mail,

kindly,
lizbeth

Hello Imsanche. Thank you for submitting your writing effort for Q. 6 of the TOEIC test.

Part 2 of the TOEIC test "Respond to a Written Request" is worth 8 points. The section has two tasks [question 6 and 7] with each task being allocated a maximum of 4 points. To receive perfect score your response needs to effectively address all the tasks in the prompt, using multiple sentences that clearly convey the information, be organized and have appropriate connecting words, have few grammar and spelling mistakes, and be using correct tone and register.

Your score for question 6 = 3/4

For this effort I would score you a 3 out of 4. You would lose marks on your grammar and spelling as well as the tone.

Key areas for improvement

I believe you need to work on your tone and register. What this means is that you need to work on choosing the appropriate words to convey your ideas. Let’s look at the email you received. Who wrote it? Do you believe the author to be a subordinate of yours or a higher ranked employee of Simon Valley Inc.? If you are unsure, look at sentence two “We take great pride in seeing our employees”, and sentence three “…you will continue to move forward … we will benefit from having you as the new manager …”

How can you fix your reply? Look at how you worded the second sentence “As a team … our business.”, “I take this opportunity to ask to please contact me …”. For instance, I would reword the second sentence such as “As part of the team …”.

Watch the presentation of your emails and letters. When writing a formal correspondence you need to start with a salutation with a period [To Simon Valley Inc.] Then leave a space and start writing your correspondence.

Subject: Score/Feedback for Yay Wed Oct 17, 2007 7:55 pm

Yay wrote:: Dear Sir/Madam,

Hi! it's an honor being promoted and given the trust of this good company, Sim Valley Inc. thank you for giving me the opportunity to be of greater servive.

in accordance to this, i would like to ask your good office if you would refer me to a car rental agent, my car is still in the shop and this monday my staff and I will be having a meeting. there is no public transport near my place.

lastly, am i still the one who is going to present to the board on monday about the merger of the company.

again, thank you for your trust.

best regards,

Albert

Hello Yay. Thank you for submitting your writing effort for Q. 6 of the TOEIC test.

Part 2 of the TOEIC test "Respond to a Written Request" is worth 8 points. The section has two tasks [question 6 and 7] with each task being allocated a maximum of 4 points. To receive perfect score your response needs to effectively address all the tasks in the prompt, using multiple sentences that clearly convey the information, be organized and have appropriate connecting words, have few grammar and spelling mistakes, and be using correct tone and register.

Your score for question 6 = 2/4

You put forward a good effort, but there are some elements that would need to be polished. Ensure that your questions are properly developed and that you eliminate the simplest of grammar and spelling mistakes.

Areas for improvement

For starters, explain your questions. You do not mention that you are new to the city, therefore I am stuck wondering why it is you can’t find a good rental agency. Also, you are being promoted to manager of merchandising which then makes me wonder why you would have a presentation on a merger.

Moving on, watch your grammar and spelling mistakes. Capitalization (at the beginning of sentences, days of the week, ‘I) ’and proper punctuation (question marks) are extremely important. In addition, making a mistake in the name of the company is unacceptable.[u]

Guest

Thanks for your email. I am so honored to be the manager for merchandising at our company. I am very glad to have this chance to show my ability in this field. I have strong faith in our company and I will keep doing my best to serve the company. Our company will defenitely have a brilliant future and its stock value will be getting much higher. Thank you for asking. Yes, I do have something need to be clear. First is that I need to get access to the database of reports from last 3 years, then I can make new plans for this year after analyzing them. And second is whether I can bring my old team with me, because that is a great team which I really like to work with? Thank you for your help.

Guest

Dear Sir/madam, I would like to thank you , Simon Valley Inc. for promoting me as the new manager for merchandising. since i have little knowledge about this city, i may have to ask for information. First, I need a house not to far from the office I've been assigned to, I am not asking for you to look a place for me. I need a contact number for a real state agency I can trust.also I would appreciate it if you could lend me a company car which i can use for Mondays Staff Meeting. Thank you for your help in advance.

Regards,
Janice

Guest

Dear Sir,

Thank you for giving me the oppertunity to serve the company as the new merchandising manager. I will do my best .
I needed some information regarding the medical coverage allowed for this position . So, could you please give me the web site where I can access this information? Also, I would appreciate if you can arrange for the transportation for 2 weeks till I get my car shipped.
Thank you for the help.

Sincerely,

Lalita

Guest

DEAR SIR,

Im Thankful to you for selecting me your new manager.I will do my best to fullfill all my duties and my work .Y ou will figure it out by yourself that you haven't done the mistake of selecting me as your manager and i'll do any thing to make you proud.SO,send me all the details of like joinning,timings,etc..
Sincerely,
AHMED .

Guest

Thank you very much for accepting and welcoming me as your new Merchandising Manager at Simon Valley, Inc.It is my honor to be part in this big company.From this day, it would be a start of my brighter days in the coming years.In order for me to know all of the employees here especially in the merchandising department, can I ask for a meeting tomorrow and one of the agenda is to have an acquaintance party to meet all of employees here and might as well extend my camaraderie to them.Im hoping that would be soon.Im waiting for the call of the prisdent of this company to know whats their response in my favor..thanks very much.

Guest

To: Simon Valley Inc.

It is indeed my honor to accept the promotion as the new Merchandising Manager in our big company, the Simon Valley Inc.It is a great pleasure to know that you have seen my effort and dedication as a long time employee of this company.I am hoping that the staff in my department are happy to accept me as their new leader.I would appreciate if they could give feedbacks about my job and how we could work hand in hand for the succesful projects we will be having soon.May I request to have my new office renovated and I am asking for your permision to select my own secretary because I need someone to help me as soon as possible.
Thank you very much. I would be happy if you can accomodate my needs. Once again, thank you for giving this position, I am not promising anything but i just do the best I can for the improvement and more success in our company.

Sincerely,
Jorams Realiza
Manager, Merchandising Department
Simon Valley Inc.

Guest

Thanks alot for give me this chance to be the manager for merchandising, and I hope that I will meet your wishes. I can't wait to take this jobs' responsbilities therefore, Iam waiting for you to inform me about the date that I should join the comany, in addition, I would like to know the period of work hours.
Thanks and Regards'
The new merchandisings' manegar

Admin Posts : 14 Join date : 2007-10-01

lindaxu wrote:: Thanks for your email. I am so honored to be the manager for merchandising at our company. I am very glad to have this chance to show my ability in this field. I have strong faith in our company and I will keep doing my best to serve the company. Our company will defenitely have a brilliant future and its stock value will be getting much higher. Thank you for asking. Yes, I do have something need to be clear. First is that I need to get access to the database of reports from last 3 years, then I can make new plans for this year after analyzing them. And second is whether I can bring my old team with me, because that is a great team which I really like to work with? Thank you for your help.

Hello Lindaxu, Thank you for submitting your writing effort for Q. 6 of the TOEIC test.

Part 2 of the TOEIC test "Respond to a Written Request" is worth 8 points. The section has two tasks [question 6 and 7] with each task being allocated a maximum of 4 points. To receive perfect score your response needs to effectively address all the tasks in the prompt, using multiple sentences that clearly convey the information, be organized and have appropriate connecting words, have few grammar and spelling mistakes, and be using correct tone and register.

Your score for question 6 = 3.5/4

For this effort I would score you a 3.5 out of 4. You would lose 0.5 on your format.

Key areas for improvement

Lindaxu, I think you have written an excellent response to the email and have addressed all the requirements of the task very effectively. The errors that you made inside your letter do not impede my ability to understand your email. I would only recommend that you change the format of your answer to include a greeting and a closing. In addition you should leave a blank line between each part of the email. Your email should look a little like this:

Dear Sir or Madam,

Thank you for.....
BODY OF THE MAIL
Thank you for your help.

Sincerely,
Lindaxu

I hope that you find my feedback useful.

Dean Stafford

Admin Posts : 14 Join date : 2007-10-01

Janice wrote:: Dear Sir/madam, I would like to thank you , Simon Valley Inc. for promoting me as the new manager for merchandising. since i have little knowledge about this city, i may have to ask for information. First, I need a house not to far from the office I've been assigned to, I am not asking for you to look a place for me. I need a contact number for a real state agency I can trust.also I would appreciate it if you could lend me a company car which i can use for Mondays Staff Meeting. Thank you for your help in advance.

Regards,
Janice

Hello Janice. Thank you for submitting your writing effort for Q. 6 of the TOEIC test.

Part 2 of the TOEIC test "Respond to a Written Request" is worth 8 points. The section has two tasks [question 6 and 7] with each task being allocated a maximum of 4 points. To receive perfect score your response needs to effectively address all the tasks in the prompt, using multiple sentences that clearly convey the information, be organized and have appropriate connecting words, have few grammar and spelling mistakes, and be using correct tone and register.

Your score for question 6 = 2/4

For this effort I would score you a 2 out of 4. You need to work on your capitalization, grammar and choice of topic for your questions.

Key areas for improvement

You need to make sure that each sentence begins with a capital letter and that I is always capitalized. Furthermore, you do not need to capitalize staff meeting. In addition, please be careful with your spacing. Try to leave a space after each period.

You wrote some sentences that are run on sentences. Look at my correction of one of your run on sentences:

"First, I need a house not to far from the office I've been assigned to. I am not asking for you to look a place for me."

Last, your requests for information do not match the email very well. First, you request information in regard to housing, but the mail does not indiciate anything about a change of city. I think it would be more prudent to request information about the position. Next, you asked for a car to use which is not really asking for information at all. I think you need to match you requests for information to the email better.

Once again thanks for submitting your response and I hope my tips help you.

Dean

Admin Posts : 14 Join date : 2007-10-01

lalita v wrote:: Dear Sir,

Thank you for giving me the oppertunity to serve the company as the new merchandising manager. I will do my best .
I needed some information regarding the medical coverage allowed for this position . So, could you please give me the web site where I can access this information? Also, I would appreciate if you can arrange for the transportation for 2 weeks till I get my car shipped.
Thank you for the help.

Sincerely,

Lalita

Hello Lalita,

Thank you for submitting your writing effort for Q. 6 of the TOEIC test.

Part 2 of the TOEIC test "Respond to a Written Request" is worth 8 points. The section has two tasks [question 6 and 7] with each task being allocated a maximum of 4 points. To receive perfect score your response needs to effectively address all the tasks in the prompt, using multiple sentences that clearly convey the information, be organized and have appropriate connecting words, have few grammar and spelling mistakes, and be using correct tone and register.

Your score for question 6 = 2/4

For this effort I would score you a 2 out of 4 mostly because you did not successfully address the tasks in the question. However, you do have some other areas in need of attention.

Key areas for improvement

For this response you were supposed to make two requests for information. You first requested some information regarding medical coverage which was good. Still, you wrote that you needed some information when you should have written that you need some information. In addition you requested the website for the address which leads the reader to believe that you know such a website exists, but there is no mention of this site in the mail. I think it would be better use a conditional sentence at this point. For instance, "If there is a website where I can find this information I would appreciate being sent it."

Where your letter is in need of most work is ensuring that you request information. In your mail you requested a car to go to work. This is not a request for information. You should have requested information on any transporatation services that the company may offer becuase you do not have a car at present.

I hope that these tips help you.

Sincerely,
Dean Stafford

Admin Posts : 14 Join date : 2007-10-01

AHMED wrote:: DEAR SIR,

Im Thankful to you for selecting me your new manager.I will do my best to fullfill all my duties and my work .Y ou will figure it out by yourself that you haven't done the mistake of selecting me as your manager and i'll do any thing to make you proud.SO,send me all the details of like joinning,timings,etc..
Sincerely,
AHMED .

Hello Ahmed,

Thank you for submitting your writing effort for Q. 6 of the TOEIC test.

Part 2 of the TOEIC test "Respond to a Written Request" is worth 8 points. The section has two tasks [question 6 and 7] with each task being allocated a maximum of 4 points. To receive perfect score your response needs to effectively address all the tasks in the prompt, using multiple sentences that clearly convey the information, be organized and have appropriate connecting words, have few grammar and spelling mistakes, and be using correct tone and register.

Your score for question 6 = 1/4

For this effort I would score you a 1 out of 4 because you have not met the demands in the task question.

Key areas for improvement

Your response is related to the task, but you only thank the company for the position. In addition, your writing is awkward and difficult to follow.

Most of all, your response lacks any clear requests for information. You did ask for some details in regard to joinings and timings, but I do not know what you mean by these words. In order to improve your essay you must be more specific and detailed with your requests for information. Once you are able to meet the demands of the task, I would begin to give feedback on your grammar.

I hope that these tips help you.

Sincerely,
Dean Stafford

Admin Posts : 14 Join date : 2007-10-01

jorams wrote:: Thank you very much for accepting and welcoming me as your new Merchandising Manager at Simon Valley, Inc.It is my honor to be part in this big company.From this day, it would be a start of my brighter days in the coming years.In order for me to know all of the employees here especially in the merchandising department, can I ask for a meeting tomorrow and one of the agenda is to have an acquaintance party to meet all of employees here and might as well extend my camaraderie to them.Im hoping that would be soon.Im waiting for the call of the prisdent of this company to know whats their response in my favor..thanks very much.

Hello Jorams,

Thank you for submitting your writing effort for Q. 6 of the TOEIC test.

Part 2 of the TOEIC test "Respond to a Written Request" is worth 8 points. The section has two tasks [question 6 and 7] with each task being allocated a maximum of 4 points. To receive perfect score your response needs to effectively address all the tasks in the prompt, using multiple sentences that clearly convey the information, be organized and have appropriate connecting words, have few grammar and spelling mistakes, and be using correct tone and register.

Your score for question 6 = 1/4

For this effort I would score you a 1 out of 4 because you have not met the demands set out in the task.

Key areas for improvement

Although you grammar and registar are in need of work, your primary focus should be on meeting the demands of the task. In your response you have not made any requests for information. Instead, you have given two directives; one to have meeting tomorrow and another to have a staff party to meet everyone. These are not requests for information. A way you could change these is to ask about how often staff meetings are called and when the last one was held. In addition, you could ask about company policy on staff parties.

Once you are able to meet the demands of the task I would then begin to give you feedback on your grammar and register.

I hope that these tips help you.

Sincerely,
Dean Stafford

Admin Posts : 14 Join date : 2007-10-01

jorams r wrote:: To: Simon Valley Inc.

It is indeed my honor to accept the promotion as the new Merchandising Manager in our big company, the Simon Valley Inc.It is a great pleasure to know that you have seen my effort and dedication as a long time employee of this company.I am hoping that the staff in my department are happy to accept me as their new leader.I would appreciate if they could give feedbacks about my job and how we could work hand in hand for the succesful projects we will be having soon.May I request to have my new office renovated and I am asking for your permision to select my own secretary because I need someone to help me as soon as possible.
Thank you very much. I would be happy if you can accomodate my needs. Once again, thank you for giving this position, I am not promising anything but i just do the best I can for the improvement and more success in our company.

Sincerely,
Jorams Realiza
Manager, Merchandising Department
Simon Valley Inc.

Hello Jorams R,

Thank you for submitting your writing effort for Q. 6 of the TOEIC test.

Part 2 of the TOEIC test "Respond to a Written Request" is worth 8 points. The section has two tasks [question 6 and 7] with each task being allocated a maximum of 4 points. To receive perfect score your response needs to effectively address all the tasks in the prompt, using multiple sentences that clearly convey the information, be organized and have appropriate connecting words, have few grammar and spelling mistakes, and be using correct tone and register.

Your score for question 6 = 1/4 or a 2/4

For this effort I would score you a 1 or a 2 out of 4 because you have not met the demands set out in the task.

Key areas for improvement

While your grammar and vocabulary are good enough for this task you are not adequately addressing the task. The task calls for you to make two requests for information, but you request to have your office renovated and to be able to hire a new secretary. These are not requests for information. The first is a request for action and the section is a request for permission. To improve your answer I would try to change these. You could change the request for renovations to a request of information on how to get renovations done or who to contact about renovations. As for the secretary, you could request information on the hiring policy of the company as you would like to have a personal secretary.

Once you are able to meet the demands of the task I would then give you feedback on your register and punctuation as these are in need of work as well.

I hope that my feedback helps you.

Sincerely,
Dean Stafford

Admin Posts : 14 Join date : 2007-10-01

noura84 wrote:: Thanks alot for give me this chance to be the manager for merchandising, and I hope that I will meet your wishes. I can't wait to take this jobs' responsbilities therefore, Iam waiting for you to inform me about the date that I should join the comany, in addition, I would like to know the period of work hours.
Thanks and Regards'
The new merchandisings' manegar

Hello Noura 84,

Thank you for submitting your writing effort for Q. 6 of the TOEIC test.

Part 2 of the TOEIC test "Respond to a Written Request" is worth 8 points. The section has two tasks [question 6 and 7] with each task being allocated a maximum of 4 points. To receive perfect score your response needs to effectively address all the tasks in the prompt, using multiple sentences that clearly convey the information, be organized and have appropriate connecting words, have few grammar and spelling mistakes, and be using correct tone and register.

Your score for question 6 = 1.5/4 or a 2/4

For this effort I would score you a 1.5 or a 2 out of 4 because you have not adequately met the demands of the task and your register and grammar are in need of work.

Key areas for improvement

To begin with, you need to write more formally to improve your register. Thanks a lot, could be changed to be much more fomal. You could try using I appreciate this opportunity or I am very appreciative for this chance, instead of thanks a lot.

Second, your requests for information are very short, lack detail and, in a western context, would have been covered during the interview process for the job. In order to improve you letter you should try to build up to making a request for information. This allows the reader to see the logic behind each request. Perhaps you could write that the exact starting date for the position was never mentioned in the interview and that you would like to recieve this information.

After you have addressed the demands of the task and increased the amount of detail and use of formal language in your mail, I would start to give you feedback on your grammar.

I hope that this feedback aids you to improve your writing ability.

Sincerely,
Dean Stafford

Guest

To: Simon Valley Inc.

I'm glad to receive this e-mail! Thank your faith for my ability!
To be in a new position, i'll face difficulties and trials. So your help'll make me finishing work as good as possible. For beginning well, you can send me the list of employees in my office and announce the working hour, the regulations in company. I also wonder if i can choose my private secretary. One more question,when will i start working? I hope i can meet and talk to my staff as soon as.
I'm very please to work for Simon Valley Inc.!

Sincerely
Hanh Ngo

Guest

thanks , sure im please with the notice iwill do my best to drive the company to take more profits in my department that the last period .i realize that is very important being focus in the client and his needs. thats why me and the whole team created a new campaing for this year.

Guest

FROM:LAMBOU
TO:DIRECTOR OF COMPANY
SUBJECT:NEW RESPONSIBILITIES
SENT:FRIDAY 15,08:40 A.M.

MR HOLMS,
IS AN HONOR FOR ME TO GIVE ME THE OPPORTUNNITY TO LEAD OYR COMRANY AT THE POSITION IN WHIGH BELONG!
I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW FIRST THO THINGS:
1)HOW MANY EMPLOYEES CAN IHAVE IN MY PROJECT?
2)IS THE BUDGET ENHOUGH TO COVER ME?
I WAIT FOR YOUR NEWS!
IS VERY IMPORTANT FOR ME TO HAVE YOUR SUPPORT!
WITH RIGARDS

VENUS

Guest

To: Simon Valley Inc.
I am very appreciate this opportunity. I will try my best to bring benefit for our company as well as manage my team smoothly. However, I would like to ask more details about the employee's policy that was not mentioned in the interview. Secondly, I would like to ask for the most likely time that I should join. As you know, I am available from the beginning of next month, March. I am looking forward to your reply as soon as possible.
Once again, thank you very much for your decision.
Sincerely,
Van
Manager, Merchandising Department
Simon Valley Inc.

Posts : 4 Join date : 2008-02-26

Thank you for your trust and the opportunity you gave me to use my potential and knowledge in order to contribute at the development of our company. I am eager to start working immediately and I would like to know when is the first day I can do it. I 'd also like to know if you can provide me with some information related to the number of staff members we can hire here and what kind of services we offer to our customers.
I am looking forward to hearing from you,
Sincerely,

R.G.

Guest

first of all, I have to say thanks for the faith you have got about me.
Im so pleased to know that I will be the manager of your company.
before I start working for your company, I have to know something essential for the work which is going to be perfect. the first thing I have to know is the starting day of work. Actually I don't have any idea about the schedule that has already arranged. next thing you should let me know is the number of employees in your company. I have to know at least approximate number of people there so that I can easily bulid up a plan to manage my part well enough.
now Im so excited to go there and work with the people there.
please let me know what I mentioned above.
again thanks a lot for giving me an opportunity to be a member of your company. I will do my best for the brightes future of your company.
I will wait for your reply. take care.

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