Free iBT independent writing task submission

Last edited by on Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:11 pm; edited 2 times in total

Please post your writing responses for the free online iBT independent task here. You do not need to log in or register to post your writing, simply click on POSTREPLY. Please allow at least a couple of days for an OnlinEnglish.net Administrator to view and respond to your task. Responses will be limited to a score and some generic comments targeting the areas you could improve in.

Good luck!

Subject: Score/Feedback for Balu Rat Wed Oct 03, 2007 4:06 pm

Balu Rat wrote:: People should sometimes do things that they do not enjoy doing - I strongly disagree with the statement mentioned.

First thing which strikes my mind is that when people are forced to do things when they actually don't like, will lead to results that will not reflect their own talent.There are many factors which will come into exsistence when you start the work and enjoy doing it like - Interest , Attitude will be high , Concentration level will be high , Limits will be reduced where you will interested to explore things about the product or the work which you are doing and obviously hard work will be there.

But when you are not interested and when you are forced to do that the above mentioned things will act oppositively and there-by the result which you will get will failure one or a prolonged work. Here main part is that time will not be effectively utilized and you will work only with a thought of doing your duty. This will actually won't stay for long time and gradually the performance of your work will reduce.

Inventions and discoveries which had happenned in the past shows that the people had actually loved their work and they had produced the results which we are having it as an History. If we want to make an "History" do what you like the most and invest everything on that work - you will get faster results which no one would have expected it.

Hi there Balu, and thanks for sending in your essay.
Score range = 2 - 2.5

Key areas for improvement:

1) Make sure each body paragraph has a clear main idea to be argued, with a clear topic sentence. What you have written as two body paragraphs seems more like one paragraph split in two. You have tried to provide some details, but there are no engaging or attention-catching examples of any substance. The effect is that you sound vague and not completely sure of your own argument outside having a strong opinion. You really need to support your ideas strongly and clearly.

2) Create a more engaging introduction, with a broader introduction to the topic and a little more elaboration for your thesis statement. Don't just repeat the essentials in the question topic - re-word it to show you understand it in a practical way.

3) Watch your basic punctuation - there are big spaces on both sides of your commas, and you've capitalized a fair few words in your text when they shouldn't be.

4) Your conclusion was kind of interesting and good, but didn't return to your central thesis strongly enough.

Best of luck with your iBT essay writing!

Subject: Score/Feedback for Mona Thu Oct 04, 2007 9:22 am

mona wrote:: In various life situations, people can undergo sometimes in doing things they may not enjoy.There is plenty of reasons why peolpe take this behaviour from time to time. I will state my opinion in the following paragraphs.
In the education, we may sometimes take required classes in order to get specific , scores which in turn make you qualified for certain job opportunies. We agree to take these classes although we do not enjoy their studying. We take it for a better future.

In our work, we may perform certain tasks in order o please our manager or to get a promotion. In my job, i hate alot dealing with data entry on the computers.It is realy hurt my eyes so much, but i do it only to obey the manager instruction.But if i given the choice i will not never do it.

Also we often do things just to please our parents or to help them, such as when i go to the greocery store which i find it boring . I want my parents to be satisfied with me.

What i want to say here is, in many occasions yo can find yourself doing certain things that you do not enjoy so as you gain benefits such as getting higher grades to build a successful career , get a career promotion or to satisfy tour family.

thank you soo much for your evaluation
my email is monalakany@yahoo.com

Hello Mona. Thank you for submitting your essay.
Score range= 2.5 ~ 3

Key areas for improvement
1)You need to clarify your introduction. You should ensure that the task and your position are both cleared stated in the introduction. (As you did in your conclusion.) I always push my learners to use the ‘tornado’ introduction. Start with a big statement related to the topic. Continue with a couple of more specific sentences related to the topic. Then restate the question, and finally state your position. Never ask the reader/assessor to guess or infer what you are saying.

2)Develop your paragraphs. Try to have a topic sentence, supporting details and a developed supporting example. For instance, looking look at your third body paragraph, it reads like one big sentence. It should have had more substance.

3)Re-read your essay in order to eliminate the most mistakes possible. In your 2nd body paragraph you misspell ‘to’, you constantly forget to capitalize ‘I’, you misspell ‘alot’, and ‘realy’ and you forget your possessive ‘s’ for manager. These are mistakes that could have been avoided with a quick re-read and these are mistakes that really hit the assessor.

4)Your conclusion does a good job at summarizing your main points. It would have benefited by having a closing statement. An idea that reinforces everything that has been said.

All the best with your IBT TOEFL essay writing.

Subject: Score / Feedback on wwera's essay Thu Oct 04, 2007 11:40 pm

wwera wrote:: I strongly agree with this statement that people should sometimes do things that do not enjoy doing. This issue is a very important one and I agree with this for several important reasons.
First, we see that life is not always move smoothly. There are many circumstances came in person's life. Sometimes they could be good and sometimes they could be bad. In bad conditions man has to take some important decisions. I saw in my relatives that one of my cousins never wanted to do a minor job. He always trying to get great jobs and by doing this he passed his many important years of life. After some time his father died in an accident and now he have to take his responsibility and now there is no good or minor job for him.

Second, sometimes people do those things that do not enjoy doing because they do those things in love of their loved ones. For instance a man, who loved his wife too much and she is so keen to attend concerts and man had never liked concerts. His wife's favorite singers arranges his concert in that city where they live then man would attend that concert just for his wife happiness

Third, sometimes responsibilities and obligations are play important role to doing some activities that people do not enjoying. I, myself, have no interest of driving but I think in future it would be necessary for me to learn driving. Some times life is very challenging in certain circumstances. When people have no choice but to do some things which they do not like

Thus, I would say that there are different circumstances which force man to do that things that they do not enjoying doing.

Hello wwera. Thank you for posting your iBT Independent writing task.
Score/range = 2 ~ 2.5

Key areas for improvement:

1)The role of the introduction is to pull in the reader. Think of your introduction as the element that sells your writing. If it lacks interest or enthusiasm, the reader will not be inclined to read further than the introduction. You need to work on making your introductions more appealing to the reader.

2)The reader needs to see a direct link between your example, your supporting details, your topic sentence and your main idea. When looking at body paragraphs 1 and 3, I have difficulty seeing how everything links. You state that people should sometimes do things that they do not enjoy, but your examples do not demonstrate that idea and your topic sentence in body paragraph 3 does not relate very well with your example.

3)Your conclusion does well in summing up your point of view. Try adding a final comment or thought which illustrates your thinking.

4)Be aware of your verb tenses. You should always look back on your paragraphs to ensure that your verbs are well conjugated. Review your writing to see how you could have fixed your verbs. Hint: when writing about something that happened in the past all the verbs relating to that situation should be in the past.

Best of luck with your iBT TOEFL test.

Subject: Score / Feedback for Jen Fri Oct 05, 2007 9:07 pm

jen wrote:: We as human engage in lot of activites.Many would like to do things they usally do or that interest them the most for enjoyment.
I suggest doing things thats not in our liking is a must.There are lots of reasons for suggesting so.When a person engages in something different or something never experienced there is always growth taking place.New innovations come u.People start to explore more out of there limited thinking capacity.They are able to compare new ideas or events.They experience a change and widen thee prospectives.Without doing something thats ot enjoyable they will never understand what is enjoyable and what the differencebetween the two.

Humans beings evole with changes and adapt to the changes.I prefer to play sports that i dont find intresting like tennise,this has provided me with new thoughts all together like it impoved my knowlede about the game,impover my concentration,endurance and speed with accuracy.If on the other havd i felf it was not the kind of game i liked to engage then surely i would have not know these benefits.

I suggest that involving and engageing in new ventures be it enjoyable or unpeasent teaches that there is lots more in life and learning has no limits.It all in how we preceive and in what sprit we take up challenges .

Hello Jen. Thanks for submitting your independent iBT TOEFL essay.
You score / range = 2 ~ 2.5

Key areas for improvement

1) Your introduction starts off well, but it ends prematurely. The reader does not know what the topic is, nor does the reader know what your position on the topic is. Those two elements appear in your first body paragraph.

2) All the elements appearing in a paragraph need to be linked. Your first body paragraph talks about personal growth, but finishes by focusing on things that are enjoyable and being able to compare things. The role of a concluding sentence is to either summarize what has been said or to bring on the next idea.

3) You must review your work before submitting it. There are many instances in which the spacing is inaccurate or nonexistent (thats, differencebetween, dont). You need to leave a space between a punctuation mark and the word that follows. In addition, there are many spelling mistakes which could have been avoided (usally, intresting, unpeasent, i, ot, sprit). Simply by taking into account the numerous problems with grammar and spelling, an assessor would grade you a 3.

4) I really like your conclusion, it does a good job at rounding up your essay and has a good final thought.

Subject: Score / feedback for Lou Sat Oct 06, 2007 11:08 pm

lou wrote:: Human being are experiencing a lot of activities in everyday life either bad or good which may either or both make them feel happy or sad or attained their satisfaction.

People sometimes should do thing that they do not enjoy doing to attained satisfaction eiher in respond to their needs or wants? For me in my opinion, I strongly believe that sometimes we need to be flexible when circumtances arises that we need to do a thing that we don't actually enjoy to satisfy our needs. This happened in circumstances that we have no other choice for example choosing between survival and profession. In order for us to survive we need to work to meet our basic needs but the only available job is the one that is not inline with your profession and you are not happy to do the job because its not in line with your profession.For this insatance,needs is more important than wants though you want to do work that makes you happy but it doesn't satisfy your needs, sometimes you need to still work though you are not happy you still do it because it is needed.
Other people do things that they will not enjoy to make other people happy. For example, between children and parents, a child will study a course that is chosen by their parents, though the child isn't happy to do it, she must obey her/his parents. Furthermore, other people may just do it because its a trend or fashion,now a days friendship sometimes depend on doing what your peers are doing inorder to accepted to the society where they are or to maintained friendship.

In conclusion, whatever our reasons are, we need to do sometimes things that though we don't enjoy we have too, to meet our needs or wants . We need to be flexible sometimes inorder for us to survive, Thats what we live for, aren't we?

Hello Lou. Thank you for submitting your independent iBT TOEFL writing effort.
Your score / range = 2 ~ 2.5

Key areas for improvement

1) Your introduction needs to be developed. What we have here is a one-sentence paragraph that does nothing in telling the reader/assessor what you are going to be writing about. Your introduction must be intriguing or interesting to the reader/assessor. One way is by using the ‘you’ pronoun and asking the reader/assessor questions about the topic. Then restating the test question and giving your position on the given topic.
2) You have some good ideas, but they are lost on the reader/assessor because of the vagueness (your introduction shows indecisiveness), and repetition (body paragraph 1). Avoid using anything, something, somewhere, etc. when a noun can be placed, and use synonyms to make your writing less repetitive.
3) Watch the use of your pronouns. In your first body paragraph you have we and you in the same example ( In order for us to survive we … you are not happy … ). This is also seen in your 2nd body paragraph.
4) All and all this is not a bad effort. You need to ensure that your ideas are stated clearly, and that you leave no room for the reader/assessor to infer what it is you are trying to say. Your conclusion has a good finish, but you need to work on restating your topic sentences.

Best of luck with your iBT TOEFL test.

Subject: Score/feedback for veena Mon Oct 08, 2007 3:03 pm

veena wrote:: All of us in this world are bound by certain limitations and constraints made by the society. We are forced to abide by the rules, to live in and to be accepted by the society. This makes us to do a lot of things which may not be of our liking.

For instance, there are some places like restaurants, doctors office and temples which have brought in a ban on smoking. This may be for the benefit of the non-smokers and to maintain the sanctitiy of those places. The smokers may feel dissatisfied by this ban, but they'll have to restrain from smoking whether they like it or not.

Another example would be in children having to follow the rules made by the family. Atleast, it is customary in any Indian family that the children of the family come and greet any elders and guests who are visiting. They may be more intersted in watching Television or be in a telephonic conversation with a friend, but they are required to leave whatever activities that they are doing to come out to speak and greet the visitors in order to be polite and courteous.

There are also situations when we may have to visit some relatives or attend a wedding along with them, just to make our parents happy. Though we do not feel very happy doing this, it also causes no harm to anyone and for the satisfaction of our elders, it is worth doing so. There are other things like studying, kids enjoy spending most of their time in playing and hanging out with their friends, but they'll start nagging their parents when asked to study. Though they feel its not such an enjoyable activity, it pays them later when they do good in their exams and succed in their career and life in their future.

In short, we may not always like to things we're asked to do as it does not give us any pleasure. But we may not know sometimes, that what we think as enjoyable may not be the right choice for us. It is worthwhile to take the advice given by our elders to do the right thing sometimes and at times just to keep them happy.

Hi veena and thanks for sending in your essay effort.

This will land you a 2.5 to 3.0 on the TOEFL. You've got some great language use and you're quite articulate, and there are some great examples in your writing. The main problems here come down to organizing your main ideas around your central thesis in a more logical/clear fashion.

Suggestions for improvement:

1. State very clearly in the intoduction what your main thesis is. You have certainly given a nice lead-in to the topic, but your thesis is alluded to rather than clearly stated. Once you have introduced the topic, make sure you clearly state whether you are in agreement or disagreement with the central question asked in the topic.

2. Organize your ideas into 2-3 main areas, and introduce each one with a clear topic sentence that can refer back clearly to the thesis you have established. Your first two paragraphs here are continuations of something you stated in the introduction - the first paragraph is just one big long example that does not appear to exemplify a central idea. Same for the second paragraph, which concentrates only on another example. Examples should be used in paragraphs to support and illustrate some sort of central idea, that is stated in a topic sentence. The third paragraph actually does come close to having a topic sentence, but in effect is just another long example.

3. Try expressing these sorts of topic sentences for the three paragraphs you've written:

(a) Being in public often forces us to do things we might not like doing, because there are legal and social requirements we have to think about.

(b) Family customs and traditions are other important life considerations that sometimes force us to do things we might not normally want to do.

(c) Personal attachment and loyalty to our parents dictate that sometimes we have to do things we don't like doing because we decide that making them happy is more important than making ourselves happy.

These are the sorts of clear, generic topic sentences for which the examples you've given would be strongly supportive.

Those are the things you most need to work on - getting the introduction (through clearer use of a thesis statement) and body paragraphs (through better use of topic sentences) right.

Good luck with it!

- Jason

Subject: Score/feedback for Julie Mon Oct 08, 2007 3:15 pm

Julie wrote:: I disagree with the statement that people should sometimes do things that they do not enjoy doing. People do things well because they have highly motivation and interests. Thus, without these two factors, people can hardly doing a good job. Besides, if people "have" to do things that they are not really like, they would feel stressful. Therefore, since people need motivations, interests and good mood to have better performances on their jobs, I don't think people should be forced to do something they don't really like.

First, people are always intending to do thing because they have strong motivation. If people have weaker motivation, they often fail. Take taking exams as a example. Why there are some particular people can get better grades than others? The answer is related to the motivation. When people have highly motivation on getting good grades, they must have strong wills and concentrations on their studies. In contrast, people who have less motivation may not willing to pay more times on studies and they would get lower scores at last.

Second, people always like to do things they like, because they have interests. Interest is a key factor to push people moving on and have good performances. When you are interested in one thing such as gardening, you would undoubtly read a lot of books concerning gardening and you would take good care of your garden. Interest can support you when you meet difficulties and you will try your best to find the solution. However, If you have no interest at all, you would not push yourself to do things you don't like.

Thirdly, if people do things they don't enjoy doing, they would often feel stressful. Basically, people are emotional and easily influenced by the environment. If you have no motivation and interest to do the things, you sometimes question your ability or will. Under this kind of circumstance, you would sometimes feel confused, tense, and then feel stressful. And people who are stressful can not do things right.

Hi Julie, and thanks a lot for sending in your essay.

This is a strong effort, which came close to a perfect score - but two main weaknesses have held it back. Your score on this essay would in my estimation be from 3.4 - 4.0 (out of 5.0). What has hurt the score is (a) the lack of a clear conclusion to the writing, (b) a slight lack of supporting exemplification for a couple of your body paragraphs, and (c) some problematic use of grammar.

Other than those things, it's a superb essay. There was a clearly expressed thesis in the introduction, and a great summarizing of three overall rationales for your opinion. Each body paragraph has a well defined topic sentence, guiding the reader through the main reasons for your take on the topic.

Suggestions for improvement:

1. Round out your overall essay with a conclusion, that re-states your main position and your three arguments for feeling that way. Make sure to use different expressions and sentence patterns compared to the way you wrote about them in the introduction and topic sentences. Remember to make sure in the conclusion to leave the reader with a final lasting impression of the way you feel.

2. Use more solid examples to support your ideas. You certainly dedicate a lot of your space to reasoning, but without solid real-life examples they can come across as slightly vague. The example about gardening was good, whereas your other examples aren't all that convincing. A great way to make your examples more convincing is to make them personal - for example in the first paragraph give an example relative to yourself or a friend or a family member in terms of studying and getting good grades.

3. Make sure you edit your writing. There are frequent grammatical errors in parts of your essay, and I think you would be able to fix many of them yourself if you managed the time to do 5 minutes editing at the end of your writing. Pay attention especially to different parts of speech - as in, hw to use words as nouns, verbs, adjectives or adverbs. This gave you some trouble in this particular essay.

The good news here is that you're fast on the way to producing excellent essays. I thought your introduction and organization were really great.

Best of luck with it!

- Jason

Admin Posts : 14 Join date : 2007-10-01

Natasha wrote:: People's activities can be divided into desirable and not desirable. Sometimes we spend wonderfull time doing amusing and interesting things. But it also often happens that we have to make ourselves fulfil tasks which are not pleasant. It's my belief that even though we don't wish to have such experience it is inevitable but necessary.
It is generally known that a person is not likely to be successful unless she or he works hard. Sometimes studying, mental or physical work seems to be so difficult and even annoying in some cases that we don't really feel like doing it. For instance, when I am preparing to my exams and have to read lots of different information which is often boring or hard to remember i don't feel good at that time. However, after getting a positive grade which can contribute to getting a high level degree and making career I realize that it was really worth studying. Also, people of different professions, like doctors, lawyers, economists need to work hard which is not always enjoyable to be useful both for the society and to support their own families. Otherwise, civilization wouldn't have developed and those people and their families would have been poor or unhappy.
Another reason why doing not desirable things is essential is expecting future rewards or rest. If we are always doing things we like, they don't seem to be so inspiring, and life becomes boring. For instance, my hobby is travelling, but if i were always just going around the world i would have quickly become tired out and no more interested.
In conclusion, doing things which we don't wish to do is really important. They are a part of our personal development and even enable our lives to be more fascinating. Thus, I consider that we should try get rid of our lazyness, be hardwoking what will lead us to success in future.

Hello Natasha. You have written a solid essay using complex structures and vocabulary. I think you would receive a score of 3.5 to 4 on this essay. Your biggest weaknesses are in regard to organization and delveloping your ideas.

Suggestions for improvement.

1) Your first body paragraph is actually two paragraphs in one. Once you wrote about people of different professions you should have started a new paragraph. Make certain that each paragraph contains only one main idea.

2) The example in your second body paragraph should be expanded upon. Your writing at this point seems to be rushed so take your time and really explain your example in detail.

3) To allow yourself more time to fully support your opinion I would try concentrating on only two body paragraphs. Therefore you need to narrow down support for your thesis to your two best reasons and compose one body paragraph for each.

Thanks for taking part in this forum!

Subject: score / feedback for Rand Wed Oct 10, 2007 8:31 pm

rand wrote:: People are preferable to do things that they enjoy doing,since any person will certainly not succeed if he doesn't enjoy doing his work.For example
I would certainly fail in my studying if i didn't enroll in my favorite field of study which is Information Technology.
However,sometimes people do things that they do not enjoy doing,since they are forced to that,and the situation itself force them to do that.For example,some people are forced to enroll in a limited field of study when they get low scores.
For my part,i prefer do things that i enjoy doing because my acheivement will be much better.

Hello Rand. Thanks for submitting your iBT TOEFL independent writing essay.
Your score / range = 1

Key areas for improvement

1) Your introductions need help. An introduction has to fulfill a few basic elements. i) It needs to interest the reader (who are you writing to and why), ii) it needs to tell the reader what you will be writing about (the topic), iii) it needs to have a thesis (your position on the topic) and iv) it should have your main ideas (how are you going to support your opinion)

2) Your body paragraphs need to have a topic sentence (one topic sentence for each paragraph), supporting sentences (details and reasons) and supporting examples. The word ‘supporting’ is very important. This means that everything you write must link back to the main thesis.

3) Your conclusion needs to summarize your main points (not repeat), and bring your entire essay to a close with either a final comment/thought or a follow-up question.

I am hitting only the basics of essay writing with this post because at the moment this is where you are struggling. Once you are able of constructing an essay, then we can look at sentence building.

Best of luck.

Subject: Score /Feedback for Cemile Sun Oct 14, 2007 12:19 am

cemile wrote:: Recently, especially the new generation is always looking for having fun and they do not like to get involved in things that they do not like doing. It's really hard to agree that as we all need to take responsibilities and there are certain errands to be taken care of in life. However everybody has his/her own preferences to have fun also.

As human beings, each of us has a lot of obligations like groceries, cleaning, laundry, cooking, studying, working etc. We all tend to depend on our mother for cleaning, cooking, laundry and depend on our father for shopping, working and making money. But, after some certain age, we should start helping them in some or all of these obligations if we can. We can not claim not to get involved as we don't enjoy doing whatever that is because our parents do not like doing that, either. Besides, we can not depend only on our parents forever, it's always better to stand on our own feet. That also brings self confidence and independence.

On the other hand, every individual has his/her way to have fun and to get entertainment. That is also valid and valuable. We all need to respect each others' choices and leave or create some time for ourselves. Some people like to go to movie or ballet, but some others may be looking for camping in a tent in a mountain! They all have equal value and we can not criticize as that's not fun for us.

To summarize, both obligations and fun are very valuable and necessary parts of our life. We should be fair enough not to expect from others only to take care of stuff for us and we should be willing to take part in obligations instead of staying out of them. It's also possible to create some fun part even in errands. We all need to have fun whatever we like to do as well.

thank you very much in advance, my personal e-mail: cbakar@hotmail.com

Hello Cemile. Thank you for submitting your independent TOEFL essay.
Your score/range = 2 ~ 2.5

You would most likely score a 2 on this task because, I believe, you had difficulty understanding the question. I think you understand how to present your work and the elements that should be found in each part of your essay, but you need to work on deciphering questions and tasks. I would practice brainstorming and planning.

Key areas for improvement

1) Your introduction misses the mark. You start of by making a sweeping generalization without any support and you do not clarify what is the “new generation”. You do not explain what the question/task is, and you do not put forward your position/opinion. As the reader/assessor looks at your last sentence, he or she can infer that you will be writing about different ways to have fun.

2) Your body paragraphs have the basic elements of a paragraph [topic sentence, supporting sentences and supporting details] good work. That said; your paragraphs need to correlate to your thesis [main idea for your essay]. The 1st body paragraph in this essay would not correlate to your introduction.

3) Brainstorm and plan your essay. This is extremely important to ensure that you are answering the question/task. Ask yourself these simple questions:
a) What is the topic? Activities
b) What are the key words? Agree/disagree,
c) What is the question asking me to do? To tell if I agree or disagree with the idea that sometimes people need to do things they do not like.

Last edited by on Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:14 pm; edited 2 times in total

nann wrote:: It is widly known that we have to deal with new and different things during our whole life. That is why not everything we have to do is enjoyable but in some cases we simply have to do it. Everyday me corporate with new challenges. That is why it is impossible do do only thing we like.
My first example is job. Sometime it is really hard to find an ideal job which we would fully enjoy doing. But to earn money we have to work and in some cases we can not choose if we want to work or not. We simply have to work to get by if there is no other opportunity.
Next example is connected with law. We all have to agree to the law conditions and be right with the law. If it wasn;t so we would live in a country full of crime and violence. Good example is taxpaying. As we know people do not usually find it enjoyable to pay taxes but it is a compulsory. We have our rights but also thare are thing we have to do.
We know that students do not always find studying enjoyable. What is more, they can always choose if they want to continue their education or not and a lot of them choose studying althought they do not enjoy it. But they know that it wil help them in the future life
To sum everything up, our life is full of pleasant and not pleasant things. But we always have to remember that we have to work really hard to improve our lifes and make them more enjoyable and the first step is not always enjoyable.

Hi nann and thanks for submitting your TOEFL essay.

Your score for this essay would be somewhere between 2.5 - 3.0 (out of 5 total points). You have the beginnings of a good essay style, especially with your organization, clarity and language use. I like the way you introduced the topic, making it sound logical and natural that we often have to do things we don't like doing.

Your main problem at the moment is in your body paragraphs, which lack defining topic sentences followed by elaboration through details and examples. At present, you are presenting examples (which aren't really solid examples, by the way) as your body paragraphs without defining the general reasons in support of your thesis.

Suggestions for improvement:

1. Personalize your thesis in the introduction to make it clearer and stronger. Say something like "I believe it is impossible to do only the things we like doing".

2. Make a clear topic sentence for each of your body paragraphs and use 'signpost' language to present them in sequence. Looking at your essay, the main ideas I can see are (a) jobs/income, (b) laws for society, (c) preparing for the future. Three possible topic sentences for these ideas, using the signpost language I mentioned before, are:

First of all, people need jobs to generate income and get by in life, and not everyone enjoys doing all the things they need to do for their jobs.
Secondly, societies need laws to function properly - even if following these laws is not what we might prefer to do in every case.
Last of all, preparing for our futures often means we have to do things now that we don't like doing.

Topic sentences like these need to come at the start of each body paragraph to guide your reader through your key concepts and ideas. Based on them, you can provide additional details to explain what you mean, and then real-life examples to demonstrate them in action.

3. Based on your topic sentences, present examples that are solid or feel very true to life. For your first paragraph, talk about your own (or a friend's) experience with needing to work but not always liking it, making a connection to needing income. Your second paragraph could probably use a better example than just tax to show how obeying laws helps protect society and make it function effectively. For example, you could point out how tax helps to pay for schools, police and health services. The third paragraph uses a good example with students, but again, try to personalize this more to give it stronger impact to the reader.

I hope those tips are helpful. Good luck with your TOEFL essay writing!

- Jason

Last edited by on Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:15 pm; edited 1 time in total

paul wrote:: It is a common belief that people should never do things if their hearts are not into it. You would be guided by your motivation and inspiration if you do things that you like. Unfortunately, in this world, you do not always get what you want. People sometimes have to do things against their will because these things are eithe rules and policy, or they do it for someone else.

In this modern world, almost everything is structured and organize. With this, there are rules that govern almost every aspect of humanity. People sometimes do things that they do not enjoy doing to conform to these rules. In my country, there are unpleasant policies concerning my profession, physical therapy. Before you can be hired in a hospital, you would have to render volunteer service for several months. I find this very unjust since your free service gives income to the hospital. The sadt thing about this is that volunteers are not assured of being hired after the volunteer period and some hospitals rarely hire new therapists since they have bigger revenues when theri labor expenses are cut down. Despite this unfair policy, numerous physical therapists still undergo the volunteer period, hoping to have a job afterwards.

Your love and care for your family, relatives and friends would sometimes force people to do things that they do not like. Sometimes, people have to make sacrifices to be able to provide the best for their families. In my country, many people seek job overseas for better opportunities. Countless parents work abroad just to have a better pay. Although this might be financially advantageous, I firmly believe no one likes the feeling of being separated from your family almost every year. Yes, you are able to provide, but people also love to be with their families. They sacrifice not seeing their children grow, not being able to attend to birthdays and graduation, and not being an ideal parent who is always there when their family need them. They are willing to sacrifice, willing to do things that would sometimes even hurt them, just because of their love for their families.

When you enjoy something that you do, definitely you would be more efficient, driven and the quality of work is certainly better. Your interest be your energy, never letting you feel tired. On the other hand, if you are not passionate about something that you do, the efficiency, driving force, moivation and energy may be compromised. Inspite of this, rules, policy and the undying love for their families force people to do things that they do not enjoy doing.

Hi Paul, and thanks for popping in to try the essay task.

There is very little doubt in my mind that this essay would score a perfect 5.0.

You are a very strong writer with a clear ability to organize, present and elaborate on key ideas in support of your thesis. I maybe would have liked to see your thesis expressed more obviously (i.e., a clear statement about whether you personally agreed or disagreed with the topic), but I think for the level of your writing and the way you have presented ideas it's not a massive issue nor something you would get penalized for.

I like the way you present both sides of the argument in the introduction - it makes you sound fair in focusing on your particular view of the topic.

The body is outstanding, with clear, well-written topic sentences for each paragraph, followed by supporting detail and then elaborate, well-described personal examples.

Your conclusion ties your ideas back together again in a very convincing way and leaves little doubt at all in the reader's mind that you have just completed a well-argued logical position in response to the topic.

You have some minor grammatical errors here and there, but they are not worth fidgeting over. They would not detract from your score at all, in my opinion.

Well done - an excellent essay and one I hope other people in this forum read and learn from!

- Jason

Subject: Score / Feedback for Chiaki Wed Oct 17, 2007 4:38 am

Chiaki wrote:: There are unlimited things you can do in life. However, if you only choose to do things which you enjoy doing, the things which you can do would be very limited. Although the outcome may not be good, people sometimes should do things that they do not enjoy doing.

Everyone has a different liking. That is an undeniable fact. In order to live in a community, you have to be able to co-operate with the others. If you remain obstinate and only do things which you enjoy, it would surely bring negative effects. Toleration is crucial in a community so even though you don't enjoy doing something, you have to do it as you do not always get what you want.

Besides, doing things which you do not enjoy would sometimes bring surprising discoveries. You never know what you would find out or what will you get through doing something. Not doing things you don't enjoy, you would automatically be closing the door to discovering new things.

Through doing things you don't enjoy doing, you could also learn something. Maybe you would be able to learn how to react when you're asked to do something you don't like or to be tough in facing the hard time you have to face when doing something you don't enjoy.

People would often ask you to do all sorts of things, whether you enjoy it or you do not enjoy it. If you don't enjoy it and you reject doing it, people would think you're lazy or you're too proud and it would give people the wrong impression.

In conclusion, people doing things they don't enjoy doesn't necessarily bring negative effects, instead, it brings as many positive effects as it does when doing things they enjoy and maybe even more as people would be able to discover lots of things through doing things they don't enjoy as well.

Hi Chiaki Thanks for submitting your independent TOEFL essay.
Your score/range = 3 ~ 3.5

Chiaki, overall I think you did a very good job with this essay. There are a few problematic areas, but overall I think this is a fair effort, and that with a little work you will be hitting a four or five.

Key areas to improve

1) The most important element to work on is developing your ideas with supporting examples. You present many valid points, but fail to exemplify them. This is where you lost the majority of your points.

2) Avoid lengthy sentences. Break up your sentences in order to make them more reader friendly and less confusing. Look at your 2nd body paragraph and your conclusion.

3) Try using synonyms. You used the word ‘thing(s)’ and ‘enjoy’ 14 times in 5 paragraphs. That is too much. The word 'thing' could have been replaced with a specific noun and the word enjoy could have easily been replaced with other descriptors that mean the same.

Subject: Score / Feedback for Diggi Fri Oct 19, 2007 7:31 pm

Diggi wrote:: I agree with the statement that people should sometimes do what they dont like. Human beings are complex creatures and desire many things during their lives - happiness being the most important of all.

We cant live like animals and only do things that make us or our instincts feel happy and satisfied. A human being must rise above this and carry out some seemingly odious tasks so that he/she can have happiness and prosperity in future.

An example of this would be to study hard for an examination even though you may not enjoy it, as this will enable the procuring of better grades, a good job and provide more happiness to oneself compared to the vexation that you faced preparing for the exam.

Another example would be to allow a doctor to administer a painful vaccine to innoculate a person from a lethal disease. Even though the patient may dislike the vaccination it will save him from a lot of anxiety later on in his life.

There are whole plethora of such examples which show that man, being a logical being, needs to sometimes do things he doesnt like to achieve things he covets more dearly.

Life cant always be a bed of roses and an intellignet person must accept certain miseries to gain even greater happiness. Always rememeber the old adage "no pain, no gain".

Hi Diggi, and thanks for sending in your writing effort for the iBT TOEFL .

Your score/range = 5

I think you did an excellent job at presenting your point and supporting it with 2 very good examples. I would score you a 5 with this attempt.

Your essay is well organized, coherent, unified, and developed. There are mistakes with both grammar and spelling, but they do not interfere with the comprehension of your essay.

I would avoid writing 1-sentence paragraphs. Such as body paragraphs 3 and 5. In addition, avoid using contractions. In writing, especially at university level, you will be penalized for using contractions.

I really like your effort and hope others look at how you presented your essay.

Subject: Score/Feedback for Fabian Fri Oct 19, 2007 8:34 pm

Fabian wrote:: I support the statement.
For my point of view, there is a variety of things many people do not enjoy doing. However, they have to do them. Among those things are working, learning or even making a diet in order to loose weight.
For example, I did not enjoy spending a lot of time in order to prepare myself for the TOEFL iBT. Nevertheless, I had to learn for the test as I want to attend to a university that wants me to pass this special test.

We should not judge things that we have to do on the basis wheater we enjoy doing them or not. Instead, we have to consider the result of our actions.
For instance, I already mentioned that I did not enjoy preparing for the TOEFL iBT. Though, sucessfully passing it enables me to get a good education at a university of my choice. Thus, I enjoy the result of preparing for the TOEFL iBT, but not the preparing itself.

We can apply this example to many other situations. Of course, almost no one really enjoys working. But getting money, the reward for your work, is enjoyed by almost everyone.

If no one in our society would do things he does not enjoy, our whole infrastructure and economy would break down. In addition, the supply of essential goods like food and water would collapse as everybody would refuse to work. Moreover, we would not even have energy nor medicine.
Even our educational system would not work anymore, as all the pupils would stay at home instead of attending to school.

For all those reasons mentioned, we have to say that our modern world would not work as if we do not do things we do not enjoy.

Hi Fabian. Thank you for sending your essay to onlinEnglish.net. We hope the feedback you receive will help you.

You score/range = 2.5 ~ 3

Key areas to improve

Your introduction is nonexistent. You start off by mentioning that you support the statement. What statement? That is the extent of your introduction. You do not tell the reader/assessor what you will be writing about or how you will write about. This is a major weakness in your essay.

Vocabulary and grammar interfere with the comprehension of your essay. In your 1st body paragraph you have the possessive pronoun “my” and the personal pronoun ‘they’. Further on you bring out the person pronouns “we and he”. You need to show unity.

There are also a number of errors in word choice and structure. For instance, “for my point of view”, “making a diet”, “But getting money, the reward for your work, is enjoyable by almost everyone”, and “If no one in our society would do things he does not enjoy”. There are more errors with structure and vocabulary, and these alone will drop your score to a maximum of 3.5.

Keep your correlating information unified. An example should be found within the paragraph it is used to support, not in its separate paragraph.

Your conclusion needs to summarize the main points presented and end with a closing statement. Your final thought is appropriate, but you fail to summarize your ideas.

Subject: Score/Feedback for Deepan Fri Oct 19, 2007 9:37 pm

Deepan wrote:: I agree with the statement that people should sometimes do things even though they do not enjoy it. People are facing numerous instances in their life where they are forced by themselves or somebody else to do things which they do not enjoy.

One well known example is the parent-child relationship. Most of the people in their childhood enjoy eating chocolates. However, a parent cannot give more and more chocolates to their child just because they enjoy eating chocolates. Many children will not like medicines which are bitter. But, concerning the health of their child, parent forces the child to have the medicines even though they don't like it.

As one reaches his adulthood, he is driven by many forces which makes him to do things at his will even though he do not enjoy it. For example, obesity is a major problem among todays middle aged adults. Even though one do not want to strain himself, he voluntarily does the exercise to become slim.

In some instances, people do things because of love and affection even though they do not like doing it. Consider a husband-wife relationship where mutual understanding plays a vital role. In this relationship, a husband do many things for his wife even though he don't enjoy doing it and vice versa.

To sum up, people should *sometimes* do things they do not enjoy especially when it is for a good cause. One should look for the results of the actions rather than the pain they are experiencing while doing the things.

Hi Deepan, and thanks for submitting your iBT independent writing effort with onlinEnglish.net.

Your score/range = 4 ~ 4.5

In general this is a good effort. You have presented your position and tried to support it with some specific examples.

In essence you wouldn’t score a 5 because of the number of grammar mistakes peppered throughout your essay.

1. Look at your pronouns and find what they refer to. For example, in your first sentence what does “it” refer to?

2. Look at subject-verb agreement. 3rd person singular in the present simple tense.

3. Plural / singular. “… a parent … their child …”

As mentioned, I really like your essay. One method to use in order to eliminate most of those errors, other than reviewing your essay, is to use and stick to using one format/style of writing. For example, when writing about generalities only use the plural and when writing in terms of specificity only use the 1st person singular. This may help in cutting back in grammar mistakes.

Subject: Score/Feedback for Imran Mon Oct 22, 2007 7:16 am

IMRAN wrote:: IN THE FERNITECALLY COMPETATIVE WORLD PEOPLE ARE ENGAGED IN DIFERRENT ACTIVIETES, some do really enjoy their work , some do not like the work some are forced to do the thing they do not enjoy.
In the whole world where ever you go, which ever work a person does ,wether it may be a child, a boy, a man, women, old or young they do the work for their own benifit, to get money,to gain popularity, to get support from others etc.. if he/she is a doctor he treats the patients to get money, if he is a freasher he works to get experience, if he is a member of any community he serves the patient to gain popularity.
But in the world of tech we see these thing a lot some one doesnt like a particular work but he is supposed to do that, a freasher thinks with the ideas he had in his mind and plans to do aspecific task, but the experinced one with his exrpcn says another thing . if he follow the commands of the exprnce that will be bettert on his part. But some times he should also see that the suggestiong that are given by the exprnce one are on par with the technology.

Hi Imran, and thanks for submitting your iBT independent writing effort with onlinEnglish.net.

Your score/range = 1 ~ 1.5

Key areas to improve

1. When answering the question be specific. Your vagueness is confusing. By being specific you will eliminate doubt because you will stick to one idea.

2. Organize your work. Have an introduction (introduce the topic, the task, and your thesis), 2 or 3 body paragraphs (topic sentences, supporting details and supporting examples) and a conclusion (summarizing sentences and final comment). Leave a space between each paragraph.

3. Spelling and grammar. In your very first phrase you have four spelling mistakes. Try keeping your sentences short (subject-verb-object). At this moment, you have one sentence that runs for 7 lines.

I would suggest you look at other feedback for additional help, and possibly post a second attempt at this task later.

Subject: Score/Feedback for Badri Mon Oct 22, 2007 8:21 am

badri wrote:: I agree with the above statement.In many occassions in life we do things that we dont enjoy.There are many incidednts similar to this which has happenend in my life.

The first thing in every body's life is that we do things for the satisfaction of our parents,one good example is that our parents want us to become a doctor but our ambition would be different,so by this we start studying for doctor which we dont enjoy.

When we enter into college , we accept whatever our teacher tells to us because we need good internal marks from him.So it is really pathetic situation for all students because they just do things to satisfy the teacher and by doing that we dont enjoy.

In my work place i am not assigned the kind of job which i am there for.I do many jobs whic my manager asks me to do which i really dont enjoy.For the sake of promotions and good name we try to accept whatever the manager says.
Finally i conclude that whenever we do things without enjoying the result of it is not good.

Hi Badri. Thank you for submitting your iBT independent writing effort with onlinEnglish.net.

Your score/range = 2.5 ~ 3

Key areas to improve

1. I would first look at developing my paragraphs even further. Each of your body paragraphs have a topic sentence, but your supporting details and examples could be more developed. In your first body paragraph you could have given more details about things people do to please their parents.

2. Avoid writing in the absolute. For instance your 2nd body paragraph states that all students are required to accept what the teacher tells us to do. It would be safer to write “in some cases teachers have very strict classroom policies and they do not accept learners stepping outside of the box”.

3. I agree with the above statement. What statement?

4. Be constant. In your introduction you mention that you have many experiences of doing things that you do not enjoy, but in your writing you only put forward one example with you as the subject. This is misleading because as the reader/assessor I am expecting to have only examples dealing with your life.

Do not use contractions in your writing, and review for grammar and spelling mistakes.

Subject: Score/Feedback for Rinki Mon Oct 22, 2007 7:51 pm

rinki wrote:: I agree that people should sometimes do trhings they do not like.In life, people have to do lot of different kind of work. obviously when you have variety of work to do, it is natural for an individual to find some work better in comparison with some other work.
But that does not mean an individual does not do the work he does not enjoy doing. at workplace every work needs to be done. work should be done according to priority and not according to the liking. it would be better if you start liking your work so that it does not become a burden.
As child , people like to play they dont like to go to school but still they have to go to school, to build their character.
according to human nature people like to do easy tasks, they dont prefer doing complex tasks, so if people do only the work which they like than the complex work would never be done. complex work would be left in lurch.
Thus people should sometimes do trhings they do not like.

Hi Rinki, and thanks for submitting your iBT independent writing effort with onlinEnglish.net.

Your score/range = 1.5~2

Key areas to look for improvement

1. An essay should as a minimum contain 300 words. With 300 words you are looking at having an introduction, three developed body paragraphs and a conclusion.

2. You need to work on developing your body paragraphs. In your situation you need to be developing examples to support your claims/opinions. An easy way to create examples is to use your own experiences. Ensure that your examples are supporting your argument. Your 1st body paragraph does not indicate why you believe people should sometimes do things that they do not enjoy.

3. Capitalization, contractions and spelling.

4. Try to avoid using “and”, “but”, “or” and “so” as transitional words to begin a sentence. It is grammatically incorrect even though the rule itself is not followed by many.

You should also work on developing your conclusions (look at previous feedback to help you with this) and work on strengthening your grammar (plural versus singular, maintaining the same pronoun throughout you essay (I, you, we, they), conditionals, maintaining the same verb tense throughout an explanation).

Subject: Score/Feedback for Giangiu8 Mon Oct 29, 2007 6:55 am

giangiu8 wrote:: People should sometimes do things that they do not enjoy doing because to do the things for a living there are some of them which are boring or ripetitive.
Anyway I agree with the initial statement basically because there is a broad range of things to do during a life, therefore some of them are not enjoy to do obviously.
For example if one has a target to achieve during the path toward that accomplishment one has to overcome some hard steps and almost ever overcome an obstacle means doing an hard task, albeit a not enjoyable one.
Speaking frankly for instance during my university studies I had to achieve a lot of exams about topics I did not like to study like mathematics, chemistry or fisics but although this I accomplished them becuse if I did not I would have not achieved my degree.
Another tangible example could be that one from my cousin who works at a bar as waitress and the most boring task she has to do is at the end of the day when the bar has to be tied up and it means rubbing tables, rearrange chairs, mopping the floor and so long.
So finally during everyone's life are going to appear some boring things to do but that if you do not do them you do not go on in your life; definitely these things will have to get done against ones will and mood.

Hello Giangiu8. Thanks for trying onlinenglish’s independent TOEFL essay

Your score/range = 2 ~ 2.5

Things to look at for improvement

1. Repetition. Your first and second paragraphs are repetitive. On both occasions you are introducing the topic and your opinion regarding the statement. Your second paragraph is not introducing any new information.

2. Register. Your register is inappropriate for an International exam and academic writing in general. Words such as “anyway” or “frankly speaking” are fine when used in an informal setting, but in a formal environment they can be considered rude/impolite/dismissive. Think about your audience.

3. Paragraphs. Your paragraphs are hard to understand for a number of different reasons.
a) They are one-sentence paragraphs,
b) they are missing elements, and
c) they are vague.

A paragraph needs to have a topic sentence, some supporting details, an example and possibly a concluding sentence. These elements should be broken up into simple and complex sentences in order to create flow and interest. Finally, your examples should be as specific as possible and correlate to the topic sentence and the thesis you have chosen.

Subject: Score/Feedback for Jessa Mon Oct 29, 2007 8:17 am

jessa wrote:: I totally agree with this idea due to some circumstances that we encounter in our lives. More so, we have to go with the flow in life and not just do everything what we want, to make us a better person and to make us realize everything.
In addition, we can't simply do the things that we want to do because sometimes, they are non sense and we learn nothing from it. We need to do some trial and error in order for us to know our hidden talents and knowledge about something because we are not so sure yet that what we do at the moment is the thing that we really want to do.
For an instance, nobody wants to study all of his or her life. Studying is sometimes boring and hard. But we do it for our future and for our self satisfaction. By doing so, we realize that this is important especially if we come to the point that we are already mature and can see the reality of life. We should be flexible, we have to learn how to do things that we don't want to simply because we can't have our choices all the time.
Sure it is difficult but when you learn to love and value the things that you don't really want to do, you will start to like it. Trying something different and unlikely to us can sometimes bring something valuable.

Hello Jessa. Thank you for trying onlinenglish’s independent TOEFL essay

Your score/range = 2 ~ 2.5

Things to look at for improvement

What idea? Your introduction needs to inform the reader/assessor of the topic and your reason for writing.

Your introduction presents 2 ideas for why you think people should sometimes do things they do not enjoy. The problem arises with your body paragraphs. They do not follow the order in which you presented your ideas in the introduction, and they are lacking paragraph structure elements. Your 1st body paragraph does not have an example, and your 2nd body paragraph does not have any supporting details.

You should have transitional words to create flow and to show organization. “In addition” and “For instance” are transitional words, but the way you used them was to tie ideas together not introduce new ideas. That said, they should be located within a paragraph, not starting a paragraph.

Review your writing, to ensure that grammar and spelling mistakes have been taken care of (as much as possible) and to ensure that all of your ideas are clear.

Admin Posts : 14 Join date : 2007-10-01

Pranoti_ wrote:: Before directly getting down to a conclusion,i would like to answer certain questions that are poping up in my mind.Who tell us that we like or don't like to do a certain thing?I think thats are heart.Let that thing be good or bad but since our heart likes it we will do it.On the other hand our brain is the one who decieds for us what is good and what is bad.
Similarly in this discussion i would go with my brain.According to me not always but some a times we must do what we don't actually enjoy doing,but there is a possibility that this thing that we do will make someone else somewhere happy.I would like to ellaborate with the following examples.
Firstly,lets start with me as an example.In my childhood i use to hate studing and was more interested in sports.I would more or less participate in all the extra curricular activities that my school use to organise.But my mother never liked this habbit of mine because then,i ignored my studies.You know what she did?One day she took admission for me in a Gymnastics academy.I was really surprised with her,then she "I you will study hard,then only i will give you the id for gymnastics".Then i agreed an stood first in my class,she was very happy and so also I was.Thus through this she gave me a lesson of how ones deed can make someone else happy.

Secondly,there is a friend of mine who is a chain smoker.In college days,I had never senn even for a minute without cigarette.Can you believe now he has completely stopped it.The reason is his love for his 12monthes daughter.His daughter has asthama,and hence being very difficult,he has left drinking cigarette.Who is in profit,ultimately he.

Thirdly,we all know how much the youngsters like latest rocking music and if you are listening to a one and someone changes it to classical,then waht?You will kill.My younger sister had this habbit.Everyday after her collegeshe use to spend hours and waste her time of study.Sooner my grandmother started a habbit of listening to classical at the sme time my sister use to listen.Being an elderly she didn't opposed my gany,and now spends her time studing & doing other meaning ful things.

My mother always say,whatever you give to others it some or the other way returns back to irrespective of it being a goood or a bad task.Hence i strongly support the statement "People should sometimes do things that they do not enjoy doing".Because it will finally make someone happy and thats important.

Hello Prantoni,
Thanks for submitting your essay. It is great that you wrote so much, but your essay lacks clarity from a sentence to essay level.

Score: on this essay you would score from a 1 to a 1.5.

Suggestions for improvement.

To begin with need to have a clear main idea in your introduction. You wrote a short debate about how you will approach the question. Do not do this. Make a decision about the topic and begin writing. For a TOEFL essay it is a great idea to move from a broad focus to a narrow focuss and then state your main idea.

Second, when you state your main idea try to do so clearly. You wrote that people must sometimes do things that they do not want to. You can be clearer if you omit sometimes and thus strongly state your opinion.

Third, I think you should do extensive planning for your essay to ensure that you have a clear focus for your essay. I think that you wrote this essay fairly quickly and because of this, your essay is not very clear. If you practice planning, your essays should become more organized at a sentence and paragraph level.

Please proofread your writing. Check for spelling and punctuation errors. Also, ask yourself if each paragraph helps to answer the essay question as none of your paragraphs adequately support your main idea in the introduction.

Good luck with your writing.

Dean

Admin Posts : 14 Join date : 2007-10-01

Ana wrote:: I strongly agree with the statement that people sometimes should do things they do not enjoy doing. Did you ever in your early age consider eating broccoli or raw beets? Not a chance! But you should have; it would have enriched your body with vitamins which are so good for you! What about doing a homework-it enhances your working habits and stimulates your brain cells. Helping with dishes, doing the tests, working for a low salary, joining the fitness club…It’s definitely good for you, but do you enjoy those moments?
However, that is life. In order to enjoy more pleasant moments we should sometimes have less pleasant ones.
When we are kids, parents take care of us and do the best things they know to make our childhood happy and healthy. We won’t agree all the time but-it’s all in our favor.
At some age we have thoughts of our dream job; we only have to put it in reality. In order to do that, we should study hard and work at the same time (if we are not lucky enough to have financial support from our parents).
Later on, we need to support our family. We need to make enough money to pay our mortgage, to go on vacation, to raise our kids, etc. Is it enjoyable to go to work every day, despite rain or snow? Not really.
Finally, you put lots of years in your education, get a university degree and think-no more learning for me! That part of my life is over! Then, somewhere around the corner-guess what is waiting for you-TOEFL exam! Is it enjoyable? I do not think so.
Do I need to mention secondary things? Your husband is planning to watch soccer finals, and he invited his friends to join him. You just have to put a smile on your face, prepare tons of “healthy” food which goes perfectly with beer, and be a perfect supportive wife, for the sake of hiss happiness. Or, for instance, his mother is coming! Should I stay or should I go? Of course you will stay and welcome her with the most wonderful and warm smile and a delicious dinner.
And, for the most part, that’s the pattern of your whole life. On the other hand, to be honest, it wouldn’t be interesting any other way. Definitely, less enjoyable things make us deal better with our financial, health, educational and real- life, practical problems.

Hello Ana,

Thank you for taking the time to submit your essay. It contains a lot of good ideas but you need to learn how to organize and support them a little better.

Score: For this essay you would receive about a 1.0

Suggestions for improvement.

1. Your introduction reads more like a body paragraph. You have too many details that support your main idea. Details that support your main idea should be in the body paragraphs. For an introduction try using three sentences. First, make a broad statement about the topic in the question. Second, narrow the topic in relation to your opinion. Then state you main idea for the essay.

2. The body of your essay is not organized very well. Try choosing two reasons that support your main idea and write one paragraph about each idea. For example you could write one paragraph about not enjoying work and another paragraph about taking care of children.

3. Make certain that you have a conclusion for your essay where you restate your main idea.

Once you have mastered how to organize your essay into four clear paragraphs with supporting details, we can look at the other parts of your essay. Thanks again for taking part in this forum.

Dean

Subject: Feedback for rvp Sun Dec 30, 2007 6:31 am

rvp wrote:: I completely agree with the above statement that sometimes we have to do things which are against our liking. It is natural for us to willingly perform tasks that we enjoy. But what about those that we dont ?
Taking a very simple example to begin with, as little children we liked to have candies and desserts in every meal of the day. This was because enjoyed eating them. However, elders would never encourage this, since it could prove detrimental to our health and would persuade us to eat healthy food like greens. We would have to comply, since they were right, although we never enjoyed doing so.
Moving on to the second example, we generally see that children prefer playing to studying. This is indeed a very good trait, but we also know that focussing on academics is also essential, since it gives us a lot of knowledge and helps develop skills in diverse fields which we
can put to use in later stages of life, and be able to possess a skilled approach in handling difficult situations.
As a third scenario, I would like to mention that as adults we come across various , more complex situations where it becomes mandatory for us to do things in a specific way at the work place or at home, although we do not enjoy doing them. People should not narrow
down on satisfying their own self. It is also necessary to think about people around us and the well-being of the society in general. For
example, we should learn to follow general rules and guidelines and abide by them, although we may not completely agree with them. This is
because these rules have been laid by society, in order to maintain the decorum and peace within it. We should realise that this is eventually
for a greater good.
In conclusion, I feel that we must try to find the good that will eventually result from our deeds that we do not often enjoy doing and
then perform them with the same amount of enthusiasm and interest, and also keeping in mind that our deeds remain noble and maximise the
benefits.

Hi rvp and thanks for sending in your essay.

Your score range for this essay would be 3~4 out of a possible 5 points.
Generally speaking, you show very advanced language use. Where your score would suffer is from not appearing to have clear reasons stated in your body paragraphs. It is hard to understand what exactly your examples are trying to support in each paragraph (other than just the thesis in general).

Key Areas for Improvement:

(1) Your introduction states your position/thesis clearly enough, but would benefit from some sort of summarizing statement showing your generic reasons for thinking the way you do - each of which can transfer to a main idea topic sentence for the body paragraphs of your essay.

(2) State a clear reason in support of your thesis/position at the start of each body paragraph. Then move on to give more details about this idea, supported by clear examples. Your body paragraphs have good examples and ideas, but they are not tight enough and directed toward a clear guiding main idea for each paragraph.

(3) Consider using this sort of planning guide:

1. Intro
Quick overview of topic to catch reader's attention
Thesis (your position) + Thesis because (a), (b) and (c)

2. Body Paragraph 1
Reason (a) from intro, + Details, + Example(s)

3. Body Paragraph 2
Reason (b) from intro, + Details, + Example(s)

4. Body Paragraph 3
Reason (c) from intro, + Details, + Example(s)

5. Conclusion
Re-state topic and summarize reasons, + Re-state thesis, + Finishing thought

Good luck with your essay writing!

Jason

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